• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, April 20, 2007

A recent news story entitled "Fitness, Diet Aids and Spas Boost Drug Ad Spending" outlined magazine ad spending in the1st quarter of 2007. The Publishers Information Bureau thus ranks DRUGS & REMEDIES as the top-spending category in dollars (as it was for all of 2006). Without getting all sociological on you, I recall when automotive ad spending (now ranked 5^th by PIB), blew away the rest of the categories in magazine advertising -- and that right up there, not so very long ago, was tobacco and "beverage alcohol."This of course was back in the '60s and '70s when the baby boomers -- who are now the prime consumers of Fitness, Diet Aids and Spas -- drank and smoked (often something sold in baggies, not cartons).

When tobacco ads evaporated thanks to social mores and some serious pressure from Washington, technology (now ranked 12^th) was just emerging, picking up the slack and bringing magazine ad sales managers back in off the window ledge. Alcohol spending is now buried in the FOOD & FOOD PRODUCTS -- but thanks to a "voluntary" ban on TV advertising (which seems to be compromised just a little more each week) there are still lots of booze ads in magazines.

If this trend of targeting advertising to baby boomers continues, it won't be long before we see these ads in our favorite periodicals:

Can't read the menu at Oliver Garden anymore?Come to Red Lobster Where Everything Is Bigger, Including Our Portions ... and as a result, your waistline.

Stepping Up to A Hummer, Just Too High A Step? Step Down Into A Jaguar! (good luck getting back out again, pops)

Stop Buying Our Under Armour! (your rolls of fat are hurting our image)

Put Tommy Dorsey on your IPod.www.oldfart.com promises that none of our $1 downloads was published after 1955. No 'hos, no bitches, no m***erf***ers, no gangstas, no sex, no drugs (not even much rock and roll).Music to die for (and with).

Bring Prery Home Companion into your Life! Prery temps come to your house and do whatever it is you need done: open a jar; bend down and pick up the mail you dropped; find the goddamned clicker; shut tight the freezer door; bring you your glasses; assure you that the guy in Nigeria will not in fact send you $24 million; refill your meds BEFORE they run out; show you where the good porn sites are; and keep the neighbor's kids from playing in front of your house. Prery Home Companions work by the day, the week or until you forget you hired them.

Kids finally off at college?Now's the time: Call Steel, Plunder & Rob, specialists in divorce, estate planning, reverse mortgages, financing insanely expensive Italian sports cars, and setting up discreet liaisons with younger men who can keep it up for longer than a station break.

Look twenty years younger! At the Cornell Hospital for Unnecessary Surgery, we provide implants to enhance your sagging bust line, your emaciated pecs, and (yes, drama) your undersized calves. By the time they find out it's silicon or plastic or rubber, you'll have them where you want them anyway.Discounts apply when combined with relocating fat from your behind to your lips.

Lost Your Keys Again?Can't remember where you left your jacket?Ignore this ad, since you won't remember our phone number or URL anyway.