• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, November 23, 2007

On Wednesday, the Wall Street Journal ran an editorial implying that at the end of the day, telcos would beat out cable and satellite companies (and everyone else who is trying) to provide the fat pipe into your home over which you will receive everything from phone calls to the Internet to TV programming.

Here is why that won't happen:

ATT (formerly Bell South): How may I help you?

Over the Line: You provide residential telephone and DSL to my beach house in North Carolina. I would like to suspend the DSL service while the house is essentially empty during the winter months.

ATT: OK, we can do that. To suspend your service will cost you $9.95 a month.

OTL: WHAT? Why is there a change to NOT provide a service?

ATT: Well, this way, we reserve your email address....

OTL: Don't care! Never use the email address you provide. Not an issue.

ATT: Well, we keep your place in line, so that the service will be available to you when you resume it.

OTL: (incredulous) Are you trying to tell me there is a WAIT LIST for folks wanting to sign up for ATT DSL service? Are you serious?

ATT: Oh, yes--that's why we charge you to hold your place. You can cancel the service. But we can't guarantee it will be available when you want it back on in April.

OTL:(laughing) You know what? I think I will take my chances. You realize, of course, that by charging me a fee to 'maintain' a 'switched-off' service, you are inviting me to cancel DSL with ATT and look at alternatives provided by satellite TV or cable--and you may lose me as a $45-a-month customer forever?

ATT: That is our policy and I can't change it.

OTL: Can I speak to your supervisor? [Who then reinforces the same idiotic position, prompting the next call....]

OTL: How is your build-out to upgrade service on Bald Head Island coming?

Tele-Media: Well, because of the weather we are about two months behind, but we think we'll be done by January or February.

OTL: What will you charge for high-speed Internet service?

Tele-Media: $44.95.

OTL: Excellent. You'll notify customers by snail mail when the system is ready?

Tele-Media: Absolutely.

OTL: Hello, ATT? Cancel my DSL service effective today.

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.