• by Jack Feuer , December 12, 2007

That crazy creative suing Dentsu for firing him was great fun when he was telling lurid tales about brothels and other salacious stuff. The bits about the commercials with the blonde Russian tennis teenager were particularly engaging.

Yeah, you feel me.

But that apparently wasn't working, because now he's changed his tune completely. He's now claiming the Asians fired him because they hate Jews. I have no idea if there's any merit to that accusation, but come on, man. There's nothing entertaining about bigotry.

I say bring back the sex charges. Better yet, produce some discriminating videos. Entertain us. We need it. Desperately. Our inalienable right to televised entertainment is under siege.

Now, I know you're feelin' me.

It looks like those tools at the studios and wankers at the WGA are giving up on their strike talks for the rest of the year. They're all going to the Maui Four Seasons to ponder how it went so terribly wrong. That leaves the rest of us slack-jawed on our couches, facing the terrifying prospect of months without end in which the best show on television is "Clash of the Choirs."

We're starting to panic here. Somebody, please, give us stories with pictures. They need to be simple stories. It would be good if hookers were involved, and it would be even better if there were guns. Otherwise, we might have to face--can you believe it's even come to this--reality. Jesus whipped, I hate reality.

Hollywood, what are you thinking?

Maybe this madness is caused by pig brain mist, which I read is giving slaughterhouse workers neurological problems. It must have seeped onto the Disney lot in Burbank and spread from there.

Even journalists, who specialize in making up stories with no substance, can't deliver the distraction our nation craves.

I read on the Ad Age Web site, for example, that if the writers' strike lasts too far into January, then we face the prospect of--wait for it--bad things happening! To the upfront, even! There might not be new shows! Then I tried to find something more insightful about the looming loss of the broadcast network teat on Adweek's site, but all it had was a 3-day-old story on the Republicans' debate last Sunday. Like we care.

Thank God for Deadline Hollywood Daily, which posted a snippet yesterday from a parody studio Web site which read, in part: "The writers are demanding respect they haven't earned, privileges they don't deserve, and money for work they haven't done. Those are perquisites we reserve solely for the severance packages of departing CEOs."

A tasty divertissement. Now let's see more of those ad agency hooker stories. A Britney crisis. A CIA torture tape. Disney characters gone wild from pig brain mist. Anything that will keep us nice and numb. It's the American way.

Plus, it feels good.