• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, April 25, 2008

News Item: The nonprofit think tank Foundation for Information Policy Research is on record stating that (insert the name of your online ad company here) should obtain users' agreement before deploying its "highly intrusive" data collection methods. Seems fair. Let's all get onboard, shall we?

Dear Mr. Washington:

You recently subscribed to one of our magazines. Would you mind terribly if we sold your name and address to some other companies who also want to sell you stuff you just don't know you need yet? Please check the OK box on the enclosed reply card and drop in any mailbox (after you add 41 cents of postage--or if you tarry, 42 cents)....

Dear Mr. Adams:

Just a note to say thanks for your order from our Spring Catalogue. Nice choice, if I do say so myself. While I'm at it, may I just get your kind permission to offer up your name and address to some of my colleagues in the direct mail business, so that in the blink of an eye your single catalogue will magically morph into hundreds of offers that I am highly confident you will enjoy. Just take a moment to call this toll-free number....

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

You know, Mary (that was her name, by the way) told me she so enjoyed the phone call with you the other night (and apologizes for your steak getting cold) that she bets if you'd just go to the opt-in page of our Web site, that you'd enjoy every bit as much talking to Nancy, SarahJane and Bob, who also have very interesting offers to separate you from your paycheck....

Dear Mr. Madison:

You are probably wondering how I got your name and address. Well, my friend with a wife, 2.3 children, a graduate or professional degree, and a HHI of +$75,000--did you know that the federal government provides public access to several important data sets like the U.S. Bureau of the Census, and that many federal funding programs now require that researchers make the data they collect publicly available? Have you kept up with your buddies in B company? How's your recently registered Camry Hybrid? I see that you are about to go upside down on your mortgage since housing prices in your zip have dropped below your outstanding mortgage. With your kind permission, I can have any number of mortgage companies contact you about refinancing....

Dear Mr. Monroe:

Hey, really appreciate you returning that warranty card. Now I know you are serious about your product investment and will use it properly (at least for 90 days). I know this may come as a tiny little surprise, but if you'd be good enough to check the permission box on the enclosed reply card, I can see to it that you are kept apprised of LOTS of new developments related to your hobbies and interests. And since you gave us your phone number and email and street address, we'll be coming atcha from all directions....

Dear Mr. Adams, Jr:

Remember that parking ticket you didn't pay about a year ago, the one where you parked too close to a fire plug? Well, the city was nice enough to send us lots of good information so our collection agency could try to get you to pay up. Yes, we are the ones who are threatening to ruin your credit rating (but let's be frank, you'd have to rate in the 200s for a parking ticket to have much of an impact). At any rate, would you be opposed to our selling your personal data to one of the big direct-mail outfits? I am sure you won't--but just to be on the safe side, would you please call this toll-free number ....

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.