Press Releases We Wished We'd Gotten

by George Simpson, Jul 25, 2008, 7:00 AM

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NoTractionferUs.com NOT Named One Of AlwaysOn's 250 Hottest New Technology Companies

Cellar Dweller In Online Video Monetization Fails To Impress Hoboken. N.J. -- NoTractionferUs.com, creators of yet another platform to help publishers fully monetize their online video content, today announced that unlike just about everyone else in the online industry, it has NOT been selected by AlwaysOn (AO) as one of the top 250 private technology companies in the world.

Exclusion from the AO Global 250 indicates a significant failure by an emerging technology company to create new business opportunities in some random global technology industry. The AlwaysOn editorial team--in conjunction with KPMG's emerging business practice, KPMG VC Practice--had a few beers, mulling over 500 nominations from venture investors, investment bankers, and technology insiders, to determine the AO Global 250 winners. Unfortunately, NoTractionferUs.com wasn't one of them.

Although NoTractionferUs.com's Web site and press release boilerplate claim that it empowers publishers to make the most of their online video inventory by providing them with the ability to add, configure and optimize video advertising across all ad sources and all formats, NoTractionferUs.com's copycat technology and annoyingly complex interface clearly prevents publishers from maximizing revenue while diminishing the overall user experience of online video.

On the bright side, NoTractionferUs.com will not have to pony up, along with the rest of the Global 250 select, to be honored at the The AlwaysOn & STVP Summit at Stanford, July 22-24 at the Arrillaga Alumni Center at Stanford University. Nor will NoTractionferUs.com be featured in AO's quarterly print "blogozine" and on the AlwaysOn Web site.

"The Global 250 winners--that excludes NoTractionferUs.com, of course--have proven themselves to be leaders in pursuing strategic new business opportunities in the global technology industries," said Tony Perkins, founder and CEO of AlwaysOn, in a press release template now flooding the inboxes of editors and reporters everywhere. "We congratulate them for demonstrating significant market traction and pursuing game-changing technology," he added impenetrably.

"We are kinda bummed not to have been chosen for the highly coveted AlwaysOn 250 award as a global innovator and leader in the growing online video advertising space, since every other swinging dick startup got on the list," said Vlad Vitoren, founder and CEO of NoTractionferUs.com. "But since we can't get the VCs to watch our PowerPoint or get some old has-beens on our advisory board or claim that our technology is based on something cool like NASA research or MI6 code-breaking algorithms, I guess I understand why not."

NoTractionferUs.com (http://www.NoTractionferUs.com) is one of a dozen or so startups that claim to be the first platform to help publishers fully monetize their online video content. Based in Hoboken, N.J., the company is privately held and is backed by Vlad Vitoren's credit cards and the fast-disappearing goodwill of his landlord and ISP provider--both of whom hold equity worth about as much as being named to the AlwaysOn annual top 250 private technology company list.

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.

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