• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 20, 2009

Just when you were convinced that MySpace and Facebook were turning your kids into anti-social, egocentric couch potatoes, along comes word that they might also be killing them.

A British researcher says that spending too much time on social networks and virtual worlds could lead to cancer, high blood pressure, strokes and dementia. In Biologist, the journal of Britain's Institute of Biology, he writes that the face-to-face interaction has positive hormonal effects on the body, such as stimulating the release of oxytocin (something that sounds like an abused painkiller, but in fact, is released in large amounts after distension of the cervix and vagina during labor facilitating birth and breastfeeding, something of keen interest to OTL readers of the male persuasion). The isolation of online communications apparently has the opposite effect on the body.

Personally I don't worry too much about dementia since all teenagers already manifest it on five of any seven given days. (And if you try to reason with them on those days, you'll get a dose of it yourself). But I suspect that it will take a bit more study to link wasting time online with cancer. On the other hand, we can already see a range of conditions emerging from social media's vast user pool.

Me-itis: The conviction that the self is more important than the other guy's self and that your opinions are more valid and important and urgent than everyone else's. Warning signs: That songs and movies and TV shows celebrated by others always "suck" in your opinion and that everyone else's friends are skanks and losers.

Photoism: The delusion that because you took a picture that everyone else will want to see it. Magnified in direct proportion to how idiotic subjects in photo are acting or if any pets are involved. (The only exception is snaps of your pet mauling to near death one of your best friends). Accentuated by travels to distant lands that compel posted photos of you and your significant other standing in front of landmarks we have all seen 5,000 times. Or pretending to engage in sexual acts with phallic-shaped monuments in the background. Or smiling stupidly next to road signs that sound scatological in English.

Linkis Extremis: The profoundly sad state that the more people you are linked to, the cooler you are. Condition nears terminal stage when subjects reach out to others they have never met, never will meet or even sit in the same reserved section at a ball game. Makes the term "friend" utterly meaningless and propels others to opt out of network for the rest of history. Stick to trolling in chat rooms for "hot teen looking for action."

Narcissinic Inversion: Highly infectious condition that compels users to project their fantasies by posting misleading and/or totally false details about themselves in order to appear to be better online than they are in real life. Allows denial to completely overtake subject and promotes some weird satisfaction in leading double life online. Will clearly impact U.S. census when data collected from social sites reveal that 47% of the adult female population is 5'8", 115 lbs, with perfect, perky breasts, and enjoys travel, intimate dinners and quiet walks on beach. Matched only by discovery that 92% of male population lifts weights, was standout high school and/or college athlete, is hung like Triple Crown winner Citation and enjoys giving oral sex.