• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 7, 2010

With Google's $750 million acquisition of AdMob, Apple's estimated $270 million purchase of Quattro Wireless and Google's launch of its Nexus One smartphone, the mobile space is ahoppin.' Already we are seeing lots of side-by-side comparison coverage of Nexus One and iPhone. Clearly it is the moment for Over the Line to do the same, although Google and Apple have failed to provide me with samples in order to do my own testing (you know, I'm just as smart as Walt Mossberg and David Pogue, if only I'd stop downloading nude supermodel photos and pay attention). I do have a BlackBerry (making me a serious businessman and not a photo-taking, app-downloading, iTunes-playing pretender.) I gave my wife the newest 3G iPhone a while ago, so let's get started.

Quality of calls: You know, even though Nexus One and iPhone are $600 pieces of the highest, newest, coolest technology, I still get the same stupid phone calls that I get on my last-century land line GE Pro Series handset. I have signed up all of my numbers on the Do Not Call national registry, but I still get telemarketers (increasingly recordings) that think by saying "Hi, it's Bill, and I saw your web sites while I was online..." I will hang around for the rest of the pitch. And yep, they still call during dinner.

Monthly Service fee: Everybody claims that you will only pay somewhere in the neighborhood of $70 or $80 a month for service, but that's like saying your basic cable bill is only $50 a month. Just like you get charged additionally for each set-top box and remote control and have to pay for "premium" (meaning anything worth watching) channels, mobile plans will smack you up for additional charges for everything from texting to apps, not to mention various mysterious "surcharges," taxes and fees -- so figure on paying about twice what they say in their ads. Unless you add teenagers to your plan, in which case your liability is pretty unlimited.

Camera: These are cell phones, not SLR digital cameras. And the shots they take look like it. They are often worse that those building lobby security photos that make everyone look like a career criminal or a terrorist. The good news is that when your wife says: "Oh, I look awful!" you can say "Well, yeah, it's a cell phone camera."

Battery Life: There is about as much true correlation between the claimed battery life for mobile devices and real life as there is for gas mileage on the window sticker and your actual MPG (which, oddly, is always less than the claim and never more.) The only thing you CAN count on is the battery dying during the single most important conversation you will have all day. It won't die when your kid calls to ask what's for dinner or when the dry cleaner calls to say they can't get the spot off the lapel. No. It will die when the guy you interviewed with is telling you if you got hired. Or when your girlfriend is telling you what color the strip is.

Fidelity: Anyone over 19 who uses their cell phone for an MP3 player is a dolt and deserves to have their battery die on the subway or commuter train or airline where their gyrations to too loud tunes leaking annoyingly into the public air are not only moronic they are grounds for others to accidently step on your device at the earliest opportunity. Don't be surprised when 15 people applaud the accident.

Carrier: This always reminds me of that parlor game where you reveal your preference to the question: "If you were going to die anyway would you rather..." I don't care how much money they spend arguing over who has better coverage, the bottom line is that you must deal with a telephone company. It will undoubtedly be worse than a bullet to the brain or taking an overdose.