For Immediate Release: The Most Exciting News Ever!

Hi, Bob:

I hope this note finds you well. As you know, Tooboozoob has just received a first-round investment from Prodigal Group Venture Partners for its cutting-edge networking platform that dynamically merges demand-side data optimization with FGB inputs for maximum transparency and scalability.

In beta, the FGB matrix outperformed equivalent low-threshold file-conversion metrics both on demand-side and third-party acquisition. Real-time data disintermediation enhanced transactional “feed stimulation” and reduced signal bias by almost 30%.

We are very excited about the prospects for full integration of our proprietary network-delimiting trading applications by Q3 2013. Our CEO, Sree Gustaffson, will be in New York next week and would love a chance to introduce you to the team.  

Joining Sree will be CMO Garry Dunleavy, who recently came to Tooboozoob from SKUlootions and before that DataDoo Digital and before the Dunleavy Group and before that, from November 2011 to February 2012, MicroVroom. Also eager to meet you is McKenzie Feldman-Graff, our sales lead, who has years of experience in the space, lifetime Advantage Platinum and legs up to here.

The team would be happy to visit you at the Adweek offices or at Sree's hotel or in your colon. There is not a single thing we would not do for a little buzz, considering we are getting the daylights beaten out of us in this space by AppSeeDaisy and ScrooGeezix every single day. If you can fit us into your busy schedule, Sree will firmly shake your hand and show you our deck, which is filled with slides. His eyes will be slightly glazed and he will sometimes call you “Mike.”

We are also offering a bylined article titled “Predicting the Presidential Election with Low-threshold File Conversion Metrics Both on Demand-side and Third-party Acquisition.” Or, after Tuesday, you may be interested in another article: “Predicting the Super Bowl with Low-threshold File Conversion Metrics Both on Demand-side and Third-party Acquisition.”

We don’t care which you use. Mike, we are desperate. Tooboozoob has been funded for only 30 days and already the VCs are up Sree’s ass like suppositories in khakis. They are looking for a quick exit at terms that would make your eyeballs bleed. Tooboozoob needs publicity by any and all means. I beg you: Write about them, or if not, please call the police. Sree is beside himself. He dropped out of college to write code and, being candid, even he doesn’t understand what the hell Tooboozoob does. His burn rate is like phosphorous and he has zero social skills to fall back on. Thank God the Prius and foosball table are leased, but the company’s PR bills are 120 days past due.

Looking forward to meeting you. Once again, we are extremely excited about Tooboozoob.

Kindest regards,

Selena K. DiPietro

RightUp! Public Relations

 

 

    

 

 

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24 comments about "For Immediate Release: The Most Exciting News Ever!".
  1. Len Stein from Visibility Public Relations , November 5, 2012 at 8:43 a.m.
    LOL- good to have a laugh in the AM- thanks Bob
  2. Mike Einstein from the Brothers Einstein , November 5, 2012 at 9:13 a.m.
    I see you got the short version of the PR.
  3. Kaila Colbin from Ministry of Awesome , November 5, 2012 at 11:16 a.m.
    Bob Garfield, you are awesome.
  4. Doug Garnett from Atomic Direct , November 5, 2012 at 11:17 a.m.
    Oh, this was fake? :-)
  5. Stephen G. Barr from SGB Media Group , November 5, 2012 at 11:21 a.m.
    It's not tracking well by clicking "News" on Google so I'd fire Selena as first business of the day.
  6. Daniel Meehan from PadSquad LLC , November 5, 2012 at 11:25 a.m.
    That is great. Very fun. Good stuff Bob!
  7. Stephen G. Barr from SGB Media Group , November 5, 2012 at 11:25 a.m.
    2nd I'd send the Prius back, call Scott Monty and order up a fleet of custom wrapped 2013 Fusion Hybrids with the company logos all around.
  8. Stephen G. Barr from SGB Media Group , November 5, 2012 at 11:28 a.m.
    Shorten company name to TbZb
  9. Stephen G. Barr from SGB Media Group , November 5, 2012 at 11:29 a.m.
    Or better yes tBzB
  10. Richard Gillam from DeskSite , November 5, 2012 at 11:42 a.m.
    As always, a great read…although I couldn't help noticing how much this sounded exactly like the email I sent to you a few weeks ago – only we don’t use a PR firm. ;-)
  11. pj bednarski from pj , November 5, 2012 at 11:59 a.m.
    Translate to tweet, plz. I'm biz-e.
  12. Ford Kanzler from Marketing/PR Savvy , November 5, 2012 at 12:09 p.m.
    So Bob, when are you launching your stand-up routine, perhaps delivered to a PRSA, AMA or VC gathering?
  13. Andrew Boer from MovableMedia , November 5, 2012 at 1:05 p.m.
    Meanwhile, at the RightUp! offices: Sree? Regina. Garfield is a bust - but forget him. New plan...we are going to repurpose these into a series of articles on Forbes and Fortune as a "Featured Author." Then we are going to distribute our articles across millions of Publishers through Outbrain and social networks. All the credibility of Forbes, a much bigger audience that we control, and a lot less attitude. They call it Content Marketing. Forget the gatekeepers - the gate may be up, but the walls came crashing down years ago.
  14. Steven Kirstein from OnProcess Technology , November 5, 2012 at 2:30 p.m.
    I am willing to wager that, for the first several paragraphs, half the readership hadn't yet caught on.
  15. Howard Brodwin from Sports and Social Change , November 5, 2012 at 3:06 p.m.
    "The team would be happy to visit you at the Adweek offices or at Sree's hotel or in your colon." In my experience, most visits in the colon don't go very well, regardless of "maximum transparency and scalability" or "feed stimulation." Just sayin'... ;-)
  16. BL Ochman from whatsnextonline , November 5, 2012 at 3:11 p.m.
    This sounded so much like the email pitches I get every day that it took me a while to realize it was a joke. They forgot to say how excited they were, and how much they knew your readers would want to know about this important story. Thanks for a Monday morning giggle.
  17. BL Ochman from whatsnextonline , November 5, 2012 at 3:13 p.m.
    oh wait! they did say they were excited. that's one of my favorites that occurs in 9 out of 10 releases and pitches.
  18. BL Ochman from whatsnextonline , November 5, 2012 at 3:13 p.m.
    And they forgot the infographic. no pitch is complete without one these days.
  19. George Simpson from George H. Simpson Communications , November 5, 2012 at 3:33 p.m.
    The worst part of this is that I have had clients that insisted on this kind of nonsense after trying like hell to talk them out of it. Perhaps they will listen to you.
  20. Mike Einstein from the Brothers Einstein , November 5, 2012 at 4:19 p.m.
    No, George, the worst part is that it's all too true.
  21. Jacquelyn Lynn from Tuscawilla Creative Services , November 6, 2012 at 9:34 a.m.
    Loved it! Will be sharing this. Too bad the people who need to "get it" won't see themselves if/when they read this.
  22. Vanessa Horwell from ThinkInk Communications , November 6, 2012 at 4:05 p.m.
    Tears of laughter were streaming down my face while reading this. But as George Simpson commented, some companies will insist on putting out this type of jibberish jargon. If they do, walk away - you're damaging your/agency's reputation sending anything remotely similar to this fake PR. Bob, it is a send up, correct? The only place for this type of language is in buzzword bingo.
  23. Mike Einstein from the Brothers Einstein , November 6, 2012 at 5:17 p.m.
    I don't see any MetricsINSIDER regulars chiming in. Go figure.
  24. Fred Pfaff from Fred Pfaff Inc. , November 7, 2012 at 5:33 p.m.
    The only thing missing is "HI BOB!"