For Immediate Release: The Most Exciting News Ever!
I hope this note finds you well. As you know, Tooboozoob has just received a first-round investment from Prodigal Group Venture Partners for its cutting-edge networking platform that dynamically merges demand-side data optimization with FGB inputs for maximum transparency and scalability.
In beta, the FGB matrix outperformed equivalent low-threshold file-conversion metrics both on demand-side and third-party acquisition. Real-time data disintermediation enhanced transactional “feed stimulation” and reduced signal bias by almost 30%.
We are very excited about the prospects for full integration of our proprietary network-delimiting trading applications by Q3 2013. Our CEO, Sree Gustaffson, will be in New York next week and would love a chance to introduce you to the team.
Joining Sree will be CMO Garry Dunleavy, who recently came to Tooboozoob from SKUlootions and before that DataDoo Digital and before the Dunleavy Group and before that, from November 2011 to February 2012, MicroVroom. Also eager to meet you is McKenzie Feldman-Graff, our sales lead, who has years of experience in the space, lifetime Advantage Platinum and legs up to here.
The team would be happy to visit you at the Adweek offices or at Sree's hotel or in your colon. There is not a single thing we would not do for a little buzz, considering we are getting the daylights beaten out of us in this space by AppSeeDaisy and ScrooGeezix every single day. If you can fit us into your busy schedule, Sree will firmly shake your hand and show you our deck, which is filled with slides. His eyes will be slightly glazed and he will sometimes call you “Mike.”
We are also offering a bylined article titled “Predicting the Presidential Election with Low-threshold File Conversion Metrics Both on Demand-side and Third-party Acquisition.” Or, after Tuesday, you may be interested in another article: “Predicting the Super Bowl with Low-threshold File Conversion Metrics Both on Demand-side and Third-party Acquisition.”
We don’t care which you use. Mike, we are desperate. Tooboozoob has been funded for only 30 days and already the VCs are up Sree’s ass like suppositories in khakis. They are looking for a quick exit at terms that would make your eyeballs bleed. Tooboozoob needs publicity by any and all means. I beg you: Write about them, or if not, please call the police. Sree is beside himself. He dropped out of college to write code and, being candid, even he doesn’t understand what the hell Tooboozoob does. His burn rate is like phosphorous and he has zero social skills to fall back on. Thank God the Prius and foosball table are leased, but the company’s PR bills are 120 days past due.
Looking forward to meeting you. Once again, we are extremely excited about Tooboozoob.
Selena K. DiPietro
RightUp! Public Relations