• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, November 23, 2004

Vivendi Universal today announced that its Universal Music Group's Take-Two Interactive Software Inc.'s Rockstar Games, publishers of the highly offensive Grand Theft Auto series of interactive games, has signed recently under-employed basket brawler Ron Artest as company spokesman.

"Rockstar Games are all about encouraging users to rise through the ranks of the criminal element by stealing cars, running narcotics, performing hits, kidnapping, and other criminal acts," says Richard W. Roedel, certified public accountant, chairman, and CEO of Take-Two Interactive. "You don't know how hard it has been to try and get a larger-than-life celebrity to represent our core values. Thank God somebody beaned Ronnie with a beer cup."

Unlike company celebrity spokespersons who play golf with vendors, give pep talks at sales meetings, sign autographs at mall openings, and name-drop brands on talk shows, Mr. Artest will randomly beat the hell out of people in markets where Rockstar seeks to increase its sales. The company expects to capitalize on the resulting publicity.

"This is cutting edge stuff," says Jay Conrad Levinson the self-proclaimed Father of Guerrilla Marketing and author of dozens of suspiciously similar sounding books. "While lots of companies have used the streets in various ways to hawk product, from sidewalk stencils to actors posing as tourists, I haven't heard of anyone who has hired a 6' 7", 246-pound athlete to pound innocent by passers into the sidewalk. Although, I confess, it is consistent with GTA's brand equity."

"I am a big fan of GTA," said Mr. Artest in a prepared statement. "I worked my way up through the first three games, then on to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and I've had a great time playing the newest hit, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I think I'm a natural."

Asked if it was necessary for him to use cheats to navigate his way up the criminal ladder, Mr. Artest responded with what appeared to be a left, right combination followed by a left cross and an upper cut. The AP reporter who asked the question remains in a coma.

When asked, "What in the hell are you doing?" by other frightened reporters, Mr. Artest uttered a profanity used frequently in GTA games and by the Evangelista family on HBO.

"I regret and apologize to reporters who were upset by what happened," said Mr. Artest in yet another prepared statement. "I have always been a huge fan of journalism and I always will be. I have total respect for all the people who file stories, and I respect the MPA, the NAA, the Society of Professional Journalists, and even the Sigma Delta Chi Foundation."

The ANA is said to be considering sanctions against Rockstar Games, but since no one there knows the difference between HALO 2 and GTA, punitive action is considered unlikely. "Besides," says one ANA executive speaking off the record, "We are a bunch of overweight middle-aged white guys; we have no interest in taking a beating from Mr. Artest."

Jean-René Fourtou, chairman and CEO of Vivendi Universal said in a statement released from the company's Paris headquarters, " I don't know who is this Ron Artest, I never watch, how do you say it, BASKET bool; and we would never have such a game as Graft Theft Auto in France. We are much too civilized, you know."