• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 18, 2005

Warning: Satire Ahead!

In December the world learned that The Daily News offered voluntary buyouts to its entire editorial staff. But what remained a secret is that in less time than it takes to fall asleep watching ABC primetime programming, the entire staff took the money and ran leaving behind half completed stories and colorful graffiti commenting on the sexual orientation of management and scatological descriptions of the paper's owners.

In a panic, the paper offered extra credit to students at Upper-Manhattan's George Washington High School for Media and Communications to produce the paper, which they have been doing for nearly a month. With heavy use of wire service copy and syndicated stories there have been subtle, hardly perceivable changes in the newspaper that on the occasion of Gerald Ford refusing to provide federal aid to New York City, ran the infamous headline: "Ford to New York: Drop Dead."

For example this headline from a preview of the Jets-San Diego playoff game: "New York to Chargers: Blow Me!"

In interviews with newsstand buyers of the paper, not a single reader was aware that The Daily News was no longer written by professional journalists.

"I have been somewhat surprised by the story selection in the past few weeks," says a NYU Journalism instructor who asked to remain on track for tenure. "I counted 14 stories on the poor quality of school lunches, 12 on Chino XL, 12 on how to pimp your ride, and eight on Kanye West. There was nothing on the budget, the stadium controversy or the MTA scandal. Very curious..."

"I confess I was a little taken aback when a story on real estate costs called landlords 'blood-sucker, mothers,'" says a Westside housewife. "I thought that was a little harsh, but then remembered my last rent increase and decided 'Well, hell yeah!'"

A West Village resident said, "Geez, if anything, I thought it had gotten better. At least the AP stories use complete sentences and aren't filled with opinionated adjectives."

"Personally I loved the editorial on trading out study hall for '7 Minutes In Heaven and Spin the Bottle'," says a midtown office worker. "But I didn't agree with the call to substitute "Hey Ya" for the "Star Spangled Banner."

While neither confirming nor denying that high school kids are producing the paper, a spokesperson The Daily News did reveal that there has been no fall off in subscriptions and that newsstand sales actually increased by 5 percent in January. The spokesperson did agree that the sales jump might be driven by the new promotion that promises sweepstakes winners: "No homework for a year."

The move is being closely watched by other media companies that are also looking to reduce costs in the wake of lower circulation and ad revenue. "Ya know," says a spokesperson for the only network named after an animal, "when the boss drops $44 mil. on an apartment, the monthly common charges have to come from somewhere!"