• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 23, 2017

The perpetually in-limbo Yahoo has issued a report that says that when people are happy, they tend to click on more ads. According to the as-yet-unacquired company, consumers are most upbeat between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m., which it claims makes these the optimal hours for digital advertising.

There was no explanation of why everyone is jumping for joy between 11 and 2. I suspect that with a $23 million severance package, Marissa is pretty stoked from dawn until dusk — but the rest of us?

So, like the Yahoo study, I looked at "more than 18,000 mood data points via smartphone during a 3-week study of consumers in the U.S. and U.K. and supported it with qualitative interviews and an online survey." And here is what I came up with.

By 11 a.m., you have already digested what is going on in Washington, have taken a couple of Xanax to ward off the ominous sense that at any minute the world could come to an end because of a f**king tweet, and you are starting to feel better.

It takes the coffee cart a couple hours to get to your floor and, at 11 you have just consumed the first bite of a particularly fresh and well-crusted glazed donut. For a passing moment, you’re ignoring the caloric damage and the compulsive way you will punish yourself in spin class later.

Since 9, you have been plowing through work-related emails, answering — or, if you’re pissed about your most recent raise, totally ignoring — those that seem most urgent. You have deleted the ones from your friend who always send inspirational stories or stupid pet videos, and you’re now free to swipe through a couple dozen Tinder profiles. One looks promising — and within a few minutes, you have a hook-up for tonight. Life is worth living again.

You have finally figured out the right micro-dosing combination to start and elevate your high in preparation for lunch. By 11:30 you are on cruise control and are effectively bulletproof. However, you need to stop smiling in the weekly departmental meeting.
On your way out to lunch, you stop by the restroom and overhear someone use the word "impeach" — and for the 30 seconds it takes you to zip up and check your phone, you experience a moment of euphoria.

During a client presentation from 11 to 12, that new hire who makes twice your salary is cut off by your boss, who apologizes to the client for the team not being “better prepared." A behind-doors dressing-down bleeds though the closed blinds and glass wall. Suddenly, it’s GREAT to be alive.

That start-up you've been quietly talking to since the trade show sends a note to your gmail account at 11:20 that says your salary requirements are not a problem and that you can hire two admins if you want.

Kim Jong-un doesn't hit the launch button, you get a MUCH higher tax refund than you expected, your doctor calls to tell you are/are not pregnant (your choice), you get an offer on your house, your annual review is spectacular, that cute man/woman (your choice) in client services flirts back.

Go click on some ads.