• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 21, 2006

Cory Treffiletti, who apparently already lives the abundant life promised by nearly every religious tradition, revealed in a Spin post last week that "What keeps [him] up at night is trying to process all the ways in which the consumer interacts with the world and trying to stay one step ahead of them and show our clients where to go next."

What dedication! What focus! Carat is lucky to have such a winner on its team.

I, on the other hand, worry about a whole different set of issues, nearly none of them having anything whatsoever to do with how consumers interact with the world. I worry about:

After two+ weeks, I STILL won't know for sure if it is Turin or Turino, and am convinced that the first time I say either out loud, a cocktail crowd around me will erupt in piteous, knowing laughter.

If that kid on "American Idol" who Simon suggested might want to dress in drag and sing torch songs for a living will catch so much heat at school that he starts thinking "Well, if the vice president can get away with it...."

What if ab rollers really work and I never got one just because they are featured on late-night infomercials?

What happens to the creative director of an agency when every major ad columnist in the nation says his/her Super Bowl commercial just sucked? And sales don't spike and the PR only twists the knife? Is there any shelter in the riposte: "Well, you approved it"?

Sooner or later Jack Bauer will use up his 24 lives and it will be up to Edgar and Chloe to save Southern California. Or even worse, they will have sex on screen.

That the IAB will finally come up with standards that everyone agrees on, but that everyone will ignore.

That when I try to get into MySpace, they kick me out because my playlist has Nat King Cole and Vera Lynn on it.

Two days after I finally shut down my land lines, I get a text ad on my cell phone.

I send my column to my mom and get a bounce-back saying that she's put me on her spam blacklist (but offering to take me off for a penny an e-mail).

That the true carcinogens are green vegetables, tofu and yogurt--and the only things that protect us from them are alcohol, tobacco and donuts.

That all this weird weather has nothing to go with global warming, but is a direct result of my buying a beach house two years ago. And that it won't stop until my house is washed into the Cape Fear River.

That marketers with something I would just kill for can't find me because they aren't sure if I watch TV, use TiVo, download podcasts, read blogs or any longer subscribe to my local newspaper, so they are frozen with indecision.

But then, I have Cory to worry about that for me.