• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 1, 2004

In a desperate bid to protect the upfront market, perennial last-place network ABC has hired 50 million nannies to help prove that it is delivering the audiences the network has promised to advertisers.

President Bush immediately seized on the announcement as proof that his economic plan is indeed producing new jobs. In the same speech, he announced that the Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh Fleets would relocate to naval bases in California, coincidentally the home of ABC parent Disney Corporation.

"With those pesky Internet companies now able to prove that the ads they sell are actually seen and are producing sales, the pressure is on to take our accountability to a whole new level," said Lloyd Braun, Chairman of the ABC Entertainment Television Group. "Since we can't count on Nielsen to support us any more, we are marshaling a new age Army of Accountability to convince marketers once and for all that network TV is where it's at."

The nannies will live with families across the United States, and will observe what they watch on TV--and make sure they don't use remotes to skip commercials, check the "Skip Commercial" option on their TiVos, or leave the TV for a snack or bathroom break until the commercials are over.

"We picked nannies because they are professionals at persuading kids what is good and what is bad for them. They often are charged with administering the parental rules about how long the TV is on and what the kids are allowed to watch," said Mr. Braun. "We think with the proper training and financial incentives, we can get them to project that same kind of power over adults as well."

In addition to keeping families tuned to ABC programming, the nannies will conduct field studies to detail how viewers "interact" with products and services from ABC advertisers.

The ABC Army of Accountability will accompany family members to stores throughout the nation, and as consumers reach for products, the nannies will interrupt to ask why they selected that particular brand. Moreover, they will ask what the shoppers were thinking about to establish their "mindset" as they seize each item. The nannies will also ask whether they recall seeing an ad about the item, and finally ask for 27 fields of demographic data.

What had been a 20-minute shopping routine is now expected to last more than 3-1/2 hours.

In a transcript of a recent market test of ABC's new nanny data collection system, shoppers had mixed reactions.

Nanny: "OK, now, why did you pick that particular brand of granola?"

Shopper: "Um, I don't know."

Nanny: "Well, there are six other brands on the same shelf. Why this brand?"

Shopper: "Um, no carbs?"

Nanny: "Pul-eze.there are a ton of carbs in all these granolas! Are you the only person in the nation not on the South Beach diet?"

Shopper: "Well, I could put it back."

Nanny: "No, don't do that! Just tell me why you picked it and let's move on! You're not my only shopper today, you know."

Shopper (tears forming): "Well, to be honest, I was just buying it so you would think I was health-minded and cared about my family's diet, sniff, sniffle. I usually get my kids Fruity Peebles."

Nanny: "Hmm, I see. I think that comes under the heading of "Saw Ad on 'Wheel of Fortune.'..OK, how old are you?"

Shopper: "I told you back in produce I was 36. I haven't gotten any older in 2 minutes."

Nanny: "Don't get snippy with me, missy--I'm only doing my job. No dessert for you tonight!"

Some observers on Wall Street speculated that the expense of paying 50 million nannies salaries and benefits might be a thinly disguised ploy to bloat the company's debt and discourage the Comcast bid. But Mr. Braun insisted with a straight face that "it's all about advertising accountability."

"It's like a tree falling in the woods," said Mr. Braun. "We want someone there to see it fall, to hear it fall, to report back to the agency that it fell--see where I'm going here?"

TV industry pundit Diane Mermigas, in a 12,000-word discussion of the announcement, speculated that if successful, the ABC nanny program could put pressure on other networks to field live agents to verify commercial viewing, writing: "Maybe NBC could get girl scouts to track family viewing instead of selling those fattening cookies."