• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 14, 2008

Although Eliot Spitzer resigned, he leaves behind a trail of unanswered questions. I will leave the trivia like wire fraud and money laundering to the all-too-anxious law enforcement community, which apparently hates the former New York governor about as much as the top management of every firm within a rock's throw of Wall Street. Truly inquiring minds want to know:

What's up with Mrs. Spitzer standing stone-faced beside Client 9 every time he speaks to the press? Any self-respecting women would be in the islands opening an off-shore account to warehouse all that alimony. Maybe she plans to run for President someday -- and pretending to look past his multiple assignations with women half her age will lock her into the campaign. Hasn't worked out so well with the prototype, but hope springs eternal.

What does a $5,400 piece of ass look like? Can it be all that different from the "I'll bet I can drink you under the table" grade available for the cost of a premium brand of tequila? Conversely, if you have the other half of the fifth, she's going to look like a $5,400 piece of ass anyway. At least until about 7:30 am. Maybe it has more to do with Eliot not wanting to risk the multiple public dates required to land a piece of ass that looks as nice at 7:30 as she did at midnight.

Did the Governor's bodyguards have to settle for $100-an-hour hookers to while away the time while Mr. Straight and Narrow was helping himself to the high-priced spread? If not, I expect they have a couple of flash drives full of the Guv-No-Mo' greeting some fine-looking "constituents" at high-end hotel doors.

Has the press treated Spitzer fairly? Who cares about him, he's history. What about the readers? Hell no, at least not until they run some photos of girls who can get a couple of grand for closing their eyes and thinking of England. Or maybe they were missing some episodes of "The Wire" -- in which case I hope they added on a "missed Marlo" tax of say, 25%. Is it really intrepid reporting when you get your only photos of the hooker du jour off her own Facebook page? What do you talk about with a $5,400-an-hour hooker? "How was your day?" "What would you have done if you found out mutual funds were letting favored clients engage in 'late trading'?" "How much do you think the Number 6 Cylon would charge me for an hour?" "Speaking of STDs. did you see that study about one quarter of all high school girls...." "Whatta ya think -- Google/DoubleClick a good idea?" What did Spitzer say when the H&R Block guy asked him about the missing $90k in cash? "Caddie tips?" "Duke can't seem to beat the spread this year?" "What if I told you it was to sleep with former actresses and cheerleaders turned hookers, HaHaHa?"

Did Guv-N0-Mo' skip class at Princeton on the day they went over that fundamental life-in-the-fast-lane lesson about "Be nice to folks on your way up, since you will see them again on the way down"?

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.