• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 21, 2008

In a moment preposterously similar to Mr. Hillary's claim about smoking pot--"I didn't inhale and never tried it again"--Barack tried to excuse Jeremiah Wright's persistent characterization of the United States as systemically oppressive to minorities and the government as murderous and corrupt by saying "Did I ever hear him make remarks that could be considered controversial while I sat in church? Yes. Did I strongly disagree with many of his political views? Absolutely--just as I'm sure many of you have heard remarks from your pastors, priests or rabbis with which you strongly disagreed."

Frankly, I never heard any clergy in any church under any circumstance say anything I thought nearly as inflammatory as the videos I have seen of Mr. Wright. And if I had, I would not only have told the minister where to get off, I would not have continued to associate with him or her for 20 years. But then I'm not running for (or from) anything. Feel free to release your local super-delegate from any commitment on my behalf since I will not run if nominated, and if elected I will not serve.

Fear not Barackomites, this is not intended to spank your candidate. He is no worse (or for that matter, any better) than Hillary or Johnny McC. But how can the three of them claim to be the only straight-talker in the bunch, when all of them slither about when the bad news spotlight hits them? I realize that Barack was walking a fine line trying not to alienate his white voters OR his black voters, but by not outright repudiating Jeremiah's hate-mongering, he comes across as just another politician who thinks his job is getting elected and staying in office rather than serving the people.

Now here is a stump speak for the common man: "Wha's up, ya'll? Forgive me if what I am about to say sounds less than spontaneous, I have given a variation of this little pep talk 1,300 times in the last six months and even I'm getting a little tired of it. Most days I'm not sure what state I'm in--much less what town. Nevertheless, I am so pleased to be here in, uh, hang on, uh, shit, where ARE we right now?

"I know you all have your own thoughts about medical care and the economy and the war in Iraq and education and global warming, but I can't take a very strong position on any of these issues (because there is a guy standing right behind you whose vote I also need, who thinks the exact opposite of what you do). So I will speak in glittering generalities about how much better our lives could be in a perfect world, understanding full well that there is almost no chance I will be able to deliver on any of it.

"Being a politician pretty much sucks (although my boy Eliot managed to squeeze in a little somin'-somin'). Anybody with any really good ideas won't put themselves through the public humiliation of being a candidate for office, since everybody has something to hide and the campaign press will leach it out eventually. And now thanks to the Internet, every time I fart, it's on the news. Thanks to globalization and immigration, I have to appeal to about 5,000 different interest groups, and no matter what I say, I piss off somebody. Used to be if I could suck up to the Teamsters and the teachers, I could dance into office. No more.

"I feel like I'm walking through a 3,000-mile-long mine field. How many others before me had lots of electoral and press momentum, then in a split second blew their campaign? The Dean Scream still ring a bell? So forgive me if I say nothing that will convince you I am the real deal. The fact is, I am just an egocentric, power-hungry wannabe surrounded by the best sharks and attack dogs your contributions (or my personal fortune) will allow me to buy. Although I will cry at the National Anthem and sleep under Old Glory, I am just like the Southern politician who ended his speech pounding the podium and shouting: 'Those are my views and if you don't like them, then by God...I'll change them.'"

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.