• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 3, 2008

This week Forbes.com, which hyperbolically calls itself the "home page for the world's business leaders," said that if advertisers spend at least $1 million over 90 days for online media, ad server logs will be audited for reach and frequency by a third-party auditing firm. If, after achieving the desired reach and frequency, the marketer doesn't see a statistically significant increase in one of four brand metrics -- awareness, message association, brand favorability or purchase intent -- Forbes will refund the spend.

I guess this is a pretty good deal -- but since 2003, Forbes has offered essentially the same deal to those who spent just $150,000 in 60 days. The only increment is ad server logs audited for reach and frequency. And then, only if you pony up $1 million. If you spend $2 million in 90 days, Forbes.com President and CEO Jim Spanfeller will rake your leaves, repaint your mailbox post, and pooper-scoop the backyard.

Not to be outdone, other Web publishers have launched competing offers that they hope will lock up larger ad spending on their sites. As a public service, Over the Line has assembled them all here for handy side-by-side comparison (be sure to enter your zip code to factor shipping and taxes in the final cost).

Dow Jones: Spend $1 million in 90 days on WSJ.com, and Rupert Murdoch will promise not to launch a hostile takeover of your company for at least 60 days after the campaign ends. Not a bad deal, given the price of your stock at yesterday's close.

Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia: Spend $1 million in 90 days on marthastewart.com, and Wenda Millard will come to your house and help you make Halloween costumes that require no sewing from start to finish, bake three dozen Blondie Cupcakes for your kid's homeroom class -- and explain once and for all what she meant by that pork belly comment.

AOL: Spend $1 million in 90 days on any Platform-A inventory, and the company will under0deliver, invoice you three times for the same order, and send a cardboard cutout of Randy Falco to your company sales meeting to explain in infinite detail why you would be a horse's ass to do business with anyone else.

Yahoo: Spend $1 million in 90 days anywhere on Yahoo AMP, and Michael Walrath and Bill Wise will skywrite above your building in big puffy letters: NOT REMNANT, WE SWEAR! If it is a windy day, Sue Decker and Jerry Yang will give a lecture in your eighth-floor conference room about building shareholder value.

ESPN: Spend $1 million in 90 days on ESPN.com, and a man in a white lab coat will show up in your office one day and offer to inject you with a substance that he promises is "undetectable," and which will in four days give you the body and sexual stamina of an 18-year-old. Unfortunately, it doesn't improve your looks -- so taking off the wedding ring and cruising the singles bars will end badly. The onset of brain cancer in 10 years is an unfortunate side effect. On the other hand, you may see a lift in message association.

ValueClick: Spend $1 million in 90 days on any of the 7.4 million sites in the ValueClick network, and the company guarantee to find every man, woman and child on the planet who bought, will buy or might ever even remotely consider buying your product or service, and give them a share of Washington Mutual if they click on your ad. Expect a click-through of .0000001% -- followed by the presentation of Benefits of Online Branding Powerpoint.

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.