The Lighter Side Of Metrics Today

by Pat LaPointe, Oct 13, 2009, 4:01 PM

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In the pressure of the current business environment, humor isn't lost. Here are a few ideas for metrics and measurement tools I've come across in my travels recently that you might like to hear about:

• Aleanment Index  - how you manage expectations for what will get done with fewer headcount than last year.
• Bland Awareness: A measure of how uninspiring your brand is.
• Brand Vasequity: A calculation of brand value taken after your marketing budget has been neutered.
• Customer Satisfiction: A metric that skews customer feedback in the most favorable terms for your next presentation to senior management.
• Dashbored: A comprehensive set of marketing performance metrics guaranteed to make your CEO's eyes glaze over.
• Dumbographics: Statistical data describing the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor's overpriced, poor-quality product or service.
• Mantric - the one metric that looks so good you hear about it over and over and over.
• Misery Mix Model - a statistical methodology for ascertaining exactly why your plans failed to achieve objectives.
• ROE (Return on Everything): What your CEO is demanding.
• Six Stigma: A set of visible marks on your forehead signify a failed attempt at improving the quality of the creative-development process.

If you've got others, I'd love to add them to our collection - post below.

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0 comments on "The Lighter Side Of Metrics Today".

1. Mahala Renkey from Renkey Marketing
   

   commented on: October 13, 2009 at 4:16 p.m.

   The list is fun and oh so true. And, who are we kidding?

2. C.t. Trivella from NAS Recruitment Communications
   

   commented on: October 13, 2009 at 4:23 p.m.

   Yeah, pretty much

3. Elise Richardson
   

   commented on: October 13, 2009 at 4:34 p.m.

   love it - especially the misery mix model.

4. Liz Bishop
   

   commented on: October 13, 2009 at 4:50 p.m.

   Very funny! I laughed out loud.

5. Jared stivers
   

   commented on: October 13, 2009 at 5:38 p.m.

   How about the "availabilamix" - which is the tendency to provide all of the easy and available metrics even if they have no discernible impact on decision making.

   Or

   The Colorblind Index - which measures the degree to which graphs are degraded due to using colors that should not sit next to one another

6. Hugh Simpson from WOW! Presentation
   

   commented on: October 13, 2009 at 9:02 p.m.

   PRICELESS!

7. Eric Melchor from Smart Digital Spending
   

   commented on: October 14, 2009 at 8:32 a.m.

   Dashbored....Mantric....ROE

   Hilarious!

   Eric
   http://onlinemediaanalyst.com

8. Tom Smith from Texas Wesleyan University
   

   commented on: October 14, 2009 at 10:25 a.m.

   Dilbert would be proud.

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