The Lighter Side Of Metrics Today

In the pressure of the current business environment, humor isn't lost. Here are a few ideas for metrics and measurement tools I've come across in my travels recently that you might like to hear about:

  • Aleanment Index  - how you manage expectations for what will get done with fewer headcount than last year.
  • Bland Awareness: A measure of how uninspiring your brand is.
  • Brand Vasequity: A calculation of brand value taken after your marketing budget has been neutered.
  • Customer Satisfiction: A metric that skews customer feedback in the most favorable terms for your next presentation to senior management.
  • Dashbored: A comprehensive set of marketing performance metrics guaranteed to make your CEO's eyes glaze over.
  • Dumbographics: Statistical data describing the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor's overpriced, poor-quality product or service.
  • Mantric - the one metric that looks so good you hear about it over and over and over.
  • Misery Mix Model - a statistical methodology for ascertaining exactly why your plans failed to achieve objectives.
  • ROE (Return on Everything): What your CEO is demanding.
  • Six Stigma: A set of visible marks on your forehead signify a failed attempt at improving the quality of the creative-development process.
If you've got others, I'd love to add them to our collection - post below.
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8 comments about "The Lighter Side Of Metrics Today".
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  1. Mahala Renkey from Renkey Marketing , October 13, 2009 at 4:16 p.m.

    The list is fun and oh so true. And, who are we kidding?

  2. C.t. Trivella from NAS Recruitment Communications , October 13, 2009 at 4:23 p.m.

    Yeah, pretty much

  3. Elise Richardson , October 13, 2009 at 4:34 p.m.

    love it - especially the misery mix model.

  4. Liz Bishop , October 13, 2009 at 4:50 p.m.

    Very funny! I laughed out loud.

  5. Jared stivers , October 13, 2009 at 5:38 p.m.

    How about the "availabilamix" - which is the tendency to provide all of the easy and available metrics even if they have no discernible impact on decision making.


    The Colorblind Index - which measures the degree to which graphs are degraded due to using colors that should not sit next to one another

  6. Hugh Simpson from WOW! Presentation , October 13, 2009 at 9:02 p.m.


  7. Eric Melchor from Smart Digital Spending , October 14, 2009 at 8:32 a.m.




  8. Tom Smith from Texas Wesleyan University , October 14, 2009 at 10:25 a.m.

    Dilbert would be proud.