The Lighter Side Of Metrics Today

In the pressure of the current business environment, humor isn't lost. Here are a few ideas for metrics and measurement tools I've come across in my travels recently that you might like to hear about:

  • Aleanment Index  - how you manage expectations for what will get done with fewer headcount than last year.
  • Bland Awareness: A measure of how uninspiring your brand is.
  • Brand Vasequity: A calculation of brand value taken after your marketing budget has been neutered.
  • Customer Satisfiction: A metric that skews customer feedback in the most favorable terms for your next presentation to senior management.
  • Dashbored: A comprehensive set of marketing performance metrics guaranteed to make your CEO's eyes glaze over.
  • Dumbographics: Statistical data describing the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor's overpriced, poor-quality product or service.
  • Mantric - the one metric that looks so good you hear about it over and over and over.
  • Misery Mix Model - a statistical methodology for ascertaining exactly why your plans failed to achieve objectives.
  • ROE (Return on Everything): What your CEO is demanding.
  • Six Stigma: A set of visible marks on your forehead signify a failed attempt at improving the quality of the creative-development process.
If you've got others, I'd love to add them to our collection - post below.
Tags: metrics
Recommend (48) Print RSS
All content published by MediaPost is determined by our editors 100% in the interest of our readers ... independent of advertising, sponsorships or other considerations.
8 comments about "The Lighter Side Of Metrics Today".
Check this box to receive email notification when other comments are posted.
  1. Mahala Renkey from Renkey Marketing, October 13, 2009 at 4:16 p.m.

    The list is fun and oh so true. And, who are we kidding?

  2. C.t. Trivella from NAS Recruitment Communications, October 13, 2009 at 4:23 p.m.

    Yeah, pretty much

  3. Elise Richardson, October 13, 2009 at 4:34 p.m.

    love it - especially the misery mix model.

  4. Liz Bishop, October 13, 2009 at 4:50 p.m.

    Very funny! I laughed out loud.

  5. Jared stivers, October 13, 2009 at 5:38 p.m.

    How about the "availabilamix" - which is the tendency to provide all of the easy and available metrics even if they have no discernible impact on decision making.


    The Colorblind Index - which measures the degree to which graphs are degraded due to using colors that should not sit next to one another

  6. Hugh Simpson from WOW! Presentation, October 13, 2009 at 9:02 p.m.


  7. Eric Melchor from Smart Digital Spending, October 14, 2009 at 8:32 a.m.




  8. Tom Smith from Texas Wesleyan University, October 14, 2009 at 10:25 a.m.

    Dilbert would be proud.