• by Pat LaPointe , Op-Ed Contributor, October 13, 2009

In the pressure of the current business environment, humor isn't lost. Here are a few ideas for metrics and measurement tools I've come across in my travels recently that you might like to hear about:

• Aleanment Index  - how you manage expectations for what will get done with fewer headcount than last year.
• Bland Awareness: A measure of how uninspiring your brand is.
• Brand Vasequity: A calculation of brand value taken after your marketing budget has been neutered.
• Customer Satisfiction: A metric that skews customer feedback in the most favorable terms for your next presentation to senior management.
• Dashbored: A comprehensive set of marketing performance metrics guaranteed to make your CEO's eyes glaze over.
• Dumbographics: Statistical data describing the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor's overpriced, poor-quality product or service.
• Mantric - the one metric that looks so good you hear about it over and over and over.
• Misery Mix Model - a statistical methodology for ascertaining exactly why your plans failed to achieve objectives.
• ROE (Return on Everything): What your CEO is demanding.
• Six Stigma: A set of visible marks on your forehead signify a failed attempt at improving the quality of the creative-development process.

If you've got others, I'd love to add them to our collection - post below.