Halloween, what happened to you, man? You used to be all about the mystery and menace. In recent years, though, you stopped scaring and started caring. You've gone soft, not unlike a fun-size Milky Way left in one's pocket during an Acela jaunt down the coast. It's like you're not even trying to be spooktacular anymore. This is a shame. If there's one day on the calendar that brands should circle and annotate with "let freak flag fly," it's Halloween. Brands, and everything/everyone else whose whereabouts aren't regularly monitored by the government, can pretty much do anything they want on/around …

It's still rare that marketing content is crafted in such a manner as to make me fumble for my wallet and spill its contents on the nearest merchant's countertop. That said, JBL's "Reflect BT Wireless Headphones - Epic Fail" is one such piece of content.

As anybody who reads this column knows, I am a big fan and regular semi-advertent practitioner of willful stupidity. My shoelaces rarely find their across-the-tongue soul mate. I have presented at every DumbCon and delivered keynote speeches ("Opposites De-Tract: Paula Abdul and the Psychological Duality of Cartoon Selves" and "I Do Not Understand Twin Peaks") at the most recent ones. Beavis is my spirit animal.

So when Mouthwash talks, I listen. Happily, Mouthwash takes its responsibilities to germophobes and the overmedicated very seriously. You almost never hear about Mouthwash having complicity in a series of convenience-store robberies, or advising your daughter to drop out of school and accompany her yoga instructor on a tour of South America's grandest plantations.

I dig Starbucks. I do. The stores are clean and well-ventilated. The staff smiles and makes eye contact. Rarely does my superdrink fail to realize the promise of untamed choco-exuberance implicit in its moniker.