• by Don Seaman , Featured Contributor, May 20, 2009

"It's dead: Jim."

No, this isn't a "Star Trek" callback -- ABC has finally killed "According to Jim."

There was no moment of silence to start the 2009 ABC Upfront to honor such an oft-decorated classic. No, silence is not something an upfront-ensconced media crowd does particularly well. "Sit Down and Shut Up" was left without a deal (by another network), not because it was an ill-conceived concept -- we media people just don't understand the phrase and would probably never have bought it.

In a hall built specifically to maximize musical acoustics, I was excited to see that the "ABC Music Lounge" was playing, with each song and artist actually listed on the screen. Good to know, although I'll have to take their word for it. Instead, every song sounded the same: "I don't know -- is he here?"; "I'm trying to find my client"; and, of course "Careful -- I heard Kiefer's stopping by P.J. Clarke's later."

Then, a media miracle happened before my very eyes! The house lights went down, and people...actually... sat down and shut up! It must be early in the week. And obviously I haven't bothered to go back and rewrite the above paragraph, so I must not have given ABC enough credit for focusing our attention. Well done, Alpha Net.

Among the intro clips was Charles Gibson proclaiming "Barack Obama has been elected president" -- words you didn't hear at the Fox upfront.

Anne Sweeney leads the executive charge, talking about the how "value" is important at ABC (Cool! I have a coupon!), then she wows the audience by suddenly appearing on screen with Jimmy Kimmel on his set -- and then she's back on stage again! What is this wizardry?

Mike Shaw came out next -- live, but most of the audience will probably be watching him on a Live+14 basis instead -- and talked about how upscale ABC viewers are. Sorry, ABC delivers consumers, not just viewers. But they're upscale nevertheless. If there are any of them left to measure anymore.

Then they show us some of their sponsors. I have to remind myself that I'm Twittering with my BlackBerry; it's not a TiVo remote. It's amazing how easily you can use up 140 characters when you think you're fast-forwarding.

OK, now they show us some programming, starting with "Flash Forward." Looks intense and mysterious and will totally draw you in with its mythology like "Lost" did, but -- we said the same thing about "The Nine." But where that show visited such fun, audience-friendly themes as the Stockholm Syndrome, this one blows stuff up.

Stephen McPherson comes out to give us a rundown of the schedule. Features:

ABC is home to comedy again! At least on Wednesday (TGIW)! Kelsey Grammer is a formerly urban elitist who is forced to live among social lessers in "Hank." This seems like a true character stretch. Another former costar, Patricia Heaton, stars as a harried mom in "The Middle," and another former "Must See TV" alum, Courtney Cox, is one of the title felines in "Cougar Town." They think so highly of "Modern Family" that they show us the full premiere. And oh, did the row behind me guffaw! Guffaw, guffaw, guffaw! I'm sure it was funny -- those Avery Fisher acoustics did me in again. Turn up the radio, ABC!

New dramas include "TheForgotten" -- "Cold Case"meets "Tru Calling" (remember that one?), and "Eastwick" ("Charmed" meets, well, "The Witches of Eastwick"). The new reality show is called "Shark Tank" -- a business reality show for entrepreneurs. Check the "blood in the water" jokes at the door, please.

Other scheduling surprises: "Ugly Betty" finally gets a date for Friday night, a midseason-returning lame duck. "Lost" doesn't know what time it's in next year -- which, come to think of it, is a lot like this season has been for them. And speaking of time travel, "V" comes back from the '80s at midseason, with "Lost"veteran Elizabeth Mitchell leading the human cast.

But perhaps the biggest spot of the night again went to Jimmy Kimmel, who has an upfront habit of skewering the industry -- and the hand that feeds him -- and we do nothing but laugh. As he said, the network has so much faith in what they're showing in the fall that they're already planning on their replacements. Yes, Jim, and they had so much faith in you that Jay Leno was nearly packing his convertibles for a parking spot in the ABC lot.

So once the sacred cows had been slain, the clips of the new shows and the "Modern Family" episode were shown, we were all free to go.

But we didn't. Media people are hard-wired to congregate among their own, to look for their missing clients, to see and be seen -- even without the free drinks. This is the main reason why the upfronts won't really ever change.

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