The Weapon of Mass Fascination Has Gone Missing
Note: Janet Jackson is safe. She most recently appeared on the Video Music Awards, in a stunning, yet simplistic, high collared ensemble, singing a tribute to her brother, Michael: "I nnow he was watching."
Fantastical but true. All video exposure from the 2004 Halftime incident has disappeared. A catastrophic anomaly. The FCC is groping for answers. The FCC chairman has called for the formation of a special committee to solicit information pertaining to the whereabouts of the video breast. Its significance and pursuance has highly divided the agency commissioners along conservative and liberal partying lines. New briefs have been requested; however, some politicos, who did not wish attribution for this article, have suggested that examination of briefs is not the issue but possibly women's brassieres might lead us closer to the truth. Majority and minority whips from both parties are cautioning their constituencies to withhold comments until the breast is returned to its rightful owner, the American people.
>Which of Janet's breasts was it. The investigative records seem unclear. Though the right is favored and often sighted in the past, can we make a positive, definitive identification at this juncture. Will the disappearance of the video breast be milked for political gain at Town Hall meetings.
The transcripts indicate that it was round, firm though supple, perky, light brown with darker nipple hue. A generic description at minimum. One best answered when in cups. Also, from an anatomical viewpoint, political analysts have chimed in with "pairs of breasts have been known to be asymmetrical." Furthering the complication of the folly of a hasty identification. The committee members have stated, for the record, that they will not rush to conclusions for political expediency and will be hands on examining every piece of evidence thoroughly, avoiding arbitrary and capricious resolutions.
Across the political spectrum government officials have been supportive of the agency's position and have come out in favor of breasts though a very vocal, small minority have denied their existence while others have taken the position that they should only be searched for in the privacy of one's home. Although the Housing Authorities have not officially weighed in on exposure within an abode, the Housing Commissioner did suggest that housing properties do augment in value when there is a presence of breasts in the domicile.
It is our understanding that YouTube content will be subpoenaed, TiVo graphs of the replay viewership of the occurrence will be confiscated, YouPorn free memberships will be extended to all members of the special committee and Justin Timberlake has volunteered to cancel any golf dates that would conflict with the committee hearings.
In our opinion, hopefully, when President Elect Obama takes office and replaces FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, the administration can spend time focusing on more pressing issues and concentrate on the litany of attempts by the governing parties to regulate, de-regulate and/or re-regulate the media that might make a significant contribution to the freedom of media consumption and quality of life issues in the U.S., such as the following unresolved biggies (in non-hierarchical order):
¨ multiple ownership of TV stations in the same market
¨ national television station ownership (single market and multiple)
¨ dual broadcast network ownership
¨ broadcast/newspaper/radio cross ownership
¨ v-chip utilization/parental controls
¨ radio station group ownership (single market and multiple)
¨ cable systems operators ownership of programming on their systems
¨ cable systems operators and broadcast station cross ownership
¨ cable systems operators penetration of national viewership
¨ satellite operators ownership programming on their system
¨ satellite operators and broadcast station cross ownership
¨ satellite/cable/broadcast cross ownership
¨ telco/cable/satellite cross ownership
¨ net neutrality
¨ enforcing cable card deployment
¨ must carry broadcast transmissions for all digital terrestrial channels
¨ program availability via fair and equitable licensing arrangements
¨ the sanctity of copyright
¨ the efficacy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act
¨ cable subscription pricing: a la carte vs. package
¨ internet access pricing by bandwidth usage and justification of pricing tiers
¨ "White Space" exploitation and interference with broadcast signals
¨ personal identifiable information transgressions both online and television
¨ remote programming storage
¨ global warming
¨ universal healthcare
¨ ballistic shield defense
¨ airline passengers transporting liquids on planes
¨ budget deficits
¨ completion of the rebuild of the World Trade Towers
¨ weapons of mass destruction
¨ death panels
¨ Second Coming - the other one