• by Larry Dobrow , Featured Columnist, December 6, 2005

Hey Tiff -

So I had MTV on in the background last night when I was IMing Shawna and Lindsay about prom and this Miss Seventeen show came on. And I was thinking--remember when we used to read magazines and cut out the ads and the pictures and make those photo collages? You know, before we had fast Internet?

I had nothing to do when Jared left for fencing practice (boring!) and figured maybe that would be fun to do again. So I went into my little sister's room and took her copy of Seventeen, which was all wrinkled because none of the other magazines we used to read are around anymore, plus Mom and Dad only let her go online for a few hours a day. What. Ever.

Seventeen seems to think we're, like, not smart. There's this story about overcoming fatigue, which says that we should get nine hours of sleep per night--hello, duh!--and this other one which says that we'll look great in tight T-shirts if we, like, lift our arms more often. Everything in here is "cute" and "cool" and "glam" and "hot," plus they use more exclamation points than you do! OMG!!!

It's kind of funny that Seventeen is on MTV now, because they must think that we don't keep up on celebrity gossip and stuff. Remember how the other day Jared was saying that Nicole Richie looks like "a rake with nipples" (he's sooo funny!)? The magazine asks her about the weight-loss thing but it only says that she was "arrested for heroin possession," when all the tabloids had her as a total junkie. So weight issues are OK for the magazine but drugs are off-limits? Gotcha.

All the fashion stuff is totally cool. I really like how they highlight things we can afford and lay out entire outfits for you, just like Mom used to do before I got the restraining order against her. Seventeen is also so not Teen Vogue or Elle Girl, because the girls are all really diverse in body size and race and everything else. They use "reader models"--do you think my prosthetic pigtails and iron lung would make me ineligible? LOL!!!

Seventeen totally inspires me. There's this AMAZING bunch of motivational quotes that you can cut out--nothing from that creepy Leonard Cohen guy that the goth chick in trig class is always talking about. The "Real Life" section has a story about a girl JUST LIKE US who lost everything during the hurricanes, but it turns out that she's making lemonade with the lemons that life gave her, even though Katrina pretty much trashed all the lemon gardens, too. You know who else is JUST LIKE US? The MTV Miss Seventeen contestants themselves, except for the manicured bangs and practiced mannerisms and tacit acceptance of the patriarchal norms thrust upon them by a society stunted by its deep-rooted cultural puritanism. And their totally awesome shoes.

Seventeen wants us to be good citizens, which will totally come in handy when we fill out our college applications. They propose 30 ways to make a difference in the community, via volunteering or coordinating a "Take Back the Night" event. It's nice that somebody recognizes we're not just about MP3s and hair scrunchies.

But then you turn the page and see the "How to Impress People" headline and it's back to dummytown, with hints like "make eye contact" and "speak clearly." Ohhh-kay. The surviving-a-breakup guide is for total guy-stalker retards and the tips for New Year's Eve parties don't even mention wine coolers, which is totally how Jared and I hooked up in the first place. He's really complicated. He has a tattoo.

GTG--dad's bugging me about chores and the "Laguna Beach" reunion special is coming on in a few. More L8R!

Hugs,

Bethany