• by Barbara Lippert , Columnist, January 5, 2024

The “Golden Bachelor Wedding” a union between TV’s first ever Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72, and bachelorette contestant Theresa Nist, 70, got two hours of ABC’s prime time last night, and will start streaming today.

It was the first televised nuptials for the franchise since 2014.

And the results (at least on Facebook ) are in: “Boring.” “Unwatchable.”  “I’d rather drive nails through my eyes.”

I’ll add: cheesy, chaotic and poorly lit.

With its unique focus on older folks, the nine-episode spinoff itself provided a surprise ratings bonanza for ABC, ironically breathing new life into the fading (dying?) “Bachelor” franchise.

That’s because the Golden version succeeded in normalizing the idea of senior sex and sexy seniors, presenting them in a positive way, which at times felt breakthrough and became the talk of pop culture.

Some of “GB”’s success came from the casting of Turner, a grieving widower whose wife died suddenly after they had moved into their retirement “dreamhouse.”

While crying about her and suggesting that he had been celibate in the six years since her death, he came off as a sensitive, handsome guy who really knew how to talk to women -- and, more importantly, listen.

I admit to having been quite taken with him as the golden one (complete with tan and golden hair streaks) in the premiere, and bought into his act hook, line and sinker.

Then, full disclosure, I wrote a piece with writer/reporter/researcher Suzanne O’Malley for The Hollywood Reporter that blew the lid off his narrative (including the “retired restaurateur” part) and featured an interview with his previous live-in girlfriend, whom he started dating a month after his wife’s death, and whom he ended up treating terribly.

Financial professional Nist was also widowed, and she and Turner connected over their shared histories, love of their children and grandchildren, and her lack of shyness. For the getting out of the limo opener, she showed up in her “birthday suit” (a flesh-colored body suit, which she flashed from under a robe.) It really was her birthday, and the couple wasted no time in kissing over a cupcake.

Then she got the first date, on the set of a 1950s-style diner where  “Don’t Stop Believing” became the endlessly repeated musical theme, and as on most first dates, a dancing flash mob appeared.

Nist tended to brag about her closeness to Turner to the other moony single women in the mansion. And this really bothered bachelorette Kathy Swarts, who famously told her to “zip it,” which became another social media meme.

In a clip on the special showing Nist a picking out her wedding gown accompanied by her sister bachelorettes, she sidles up to Swarts in one of the gowns she was trying on, now open in the back, and asks her to “zip it.”  Heh.

Somehow, Swarts ended up on the special with a mic and a beaded gown, taking center stage with interviews, and got so much air time she practically hosted the show.

What’s more, seemingly without hard feelings, a whole gaggle of the bachelorettes who lost, including the second choice, dancer Leslie Fhima -- who felt she got “bamboozled”  -- showed up at the wedding. And what unity they showed!

The endless pre-ceremony portion of the program contained a clip of them all taking part in an incredibly tacky bachelorette party, highlighted by bare-chested, bow-tied male Chippendale’s strippers giving the “ladies” lap dances.

Then the group took part in a boudoir photo shoot in lingerie, another chance for Nist to get nearly naked.

As for the live wedding scene at La Quinta, I found it so dull that one of the few highpoints was when a strap seemed to break on Nist’s gown.

It had a “we-shot-this-during COVID” vibe, although it was a tremendously overcrowded event.

Despite all the  miles of flowers and pretty glassware (and plugs for the famous wedding planner ) the show was completely free of production pizzazz.

Mostly, it succeeded in channeling the anxiety and boredom of being at a bad family wedding in a gym.

To recap: the couple fell madly in love and became engaged after knowing each other less than one month, with most of that time on camera. Shortly after Gerry (pronounced “Gairy”) proposed in Costa Rica, home of the “Fantasy Suites,” they heard that the franchise would give them a free trip to Italy. Then Gerry told the cameras: “We can use that as our honeymoon trip because we are going to get married. We’re going to do it as quickly as we can because, at our age, we don’t have a lot of time to waste. “

The finale aired on Nov. 30.  Thus, the couple and production team had just one month or so to plan and execute the entire two-hour televised event, and it showed.

The actual ceremony seemed to start about five hours in (actually one and a half) featuring another bachelorette, Susan Noles, who is an official officiate and married them. A Kris Jenner lookalike, she took up lots of time making jokes about herself.

Nist, an attractive and usually fashionable woman whose long sexy wedding gown, long hair and long veil did her petite body “no favors,” as my mother would say, spoke words of love while Turner creepily seemed to mouth the words along with her.

When he got to his own vows, Turner said through trademark tears: “When I think of all the decisions we made here to be in this position tonight, I know the hand of God and the winds of fate have ordained this moment.” 

Were his words the work of Chat GPS?

It went on this way for what seemed to be a few more minutes with his repeating the by-now tiresome, “find the person you can’t live without.”

Finally, they sealed the deal and kissed, with only 18 minutes to go. The kiss was way less passionate than the one they displayed during a press appearance in New York, when they dramatically leaned back and Nist raised her high-heeled leg in the air, as Lana Lang did with Superman.

What a letdown, when the premiere of the show seemed to hold such promise for oldsters.

I guess the basic tacky “Bachelor” DNA, which in the end this version reverted to, is stronger than dirt.