Commentary
Smartphone Parenting
- by dave.b , Max Kalehoff , April 2, 2010
"Call me when you arrive so I know you're safe." That's what my concerned parents urged when I was a kid -- their way of keeping tabs on me. That phrase presumed that the check-in would occur from a landline telephone at my destination. Wow, things are changing quickly with the arrival of mobile devices, particularly smartphones. I know, I have two toddlers who love Mommy's Droid.
According to Nielsen, the share of smartphones as a proportion of overall device sales has increased to 29% for U.S. phone purchasers in the last six months, and adoption will increase so rapidly that by the end of 2011 there will be more smartphones in the U.S. than traditional "feature phones."
As a result, parenting, kid tracking and check-ins will diversify into a wide array of mobile multimedia, interactivity, and location-based formats. These may include text messages, email, Twitter, Facebook or Foursquare -- as well as new applications waiting to be invented. Kid tracking and check-ins already can be live and active, passive, public, private or secret.
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For better or worse, the ubiquity of mobile technology is introducing new conveniences, expectations, responsibilities and challenges for parents and kids. On one hand, parents can track and check in on their kids more easily, in a variety of ways. On the other, reliance on smartphone services for check-ins demands that kids fully integrate these electronic devices into their lives. How natural or reliable is that?
While smartphones and interactive services are all the rage, their potential to become a tether is where I become a troubled parent. An electronic tether may result in a panoptic child-parent relationship, or one built on the assumption of constant surveillance. For all the potential benefits, an undercurrent of surveillance can erode the foundation of meaningful relationships: trust. It may also create paranoia and prevent growth and independence. Indeed, there is a balance to achieve, one which begins when kids adopt their first smartphone, and evolves throughout their maturity and relationship with their parents.
Of course, there are cases where surveillance may be appropriate, such as with very young or delinquent kids. In most cases, any need for surveillance should decrease over time, while the desire to lurk may remain constant. Either way, I'd like to err on the side of trust, letting my kids simply be kids. I want them to have the freedom to explore, discover their boundaries, enjoy privacy and grow -- confidently untethered.
There are no norms or best practices in this area, and there probably won't be for some time. But as a society, we need to start tackling these questions. In the age of smartphones, what do you think is the best way keep tabs on your kids? What other parenting challenges do smartphones introduce?
Max, how old are your kids?
For one thing, these devices, for those kids that have them, are already completely integrated into their lives. I can tell you that if you gave your kids an iPhone (or when, if they are still only toddlers), and told them you wanted to use it to help keep tabs on them, they would think you are the best Dad ever.
Then, they'll use the device the way they want. They'll set up the terms by which you keep tabs and how often they'll update you. You only think you'll set the terms. You'll want a check-in, and they'll do it by text. In fact, you can have a text conversation. But a phone call? Forget it.
IF (and that's a big if) you're lucky enough to become friends with them on Facebook, you will be able to see certain things, but don't EVER comment. You'll be unfriended so fast it wouldn't be funny. So, don't think of this as surveillance, but a way to remain involved in your children's lives more than you could hope for, especially as they grow up.
I used to think a cell phone (back before they were smart) was a privilege that was earned, and could be revoked. Now, my thinking is more along the lines of giving them one earlier, while they are still somewhat attentive to my desires, so they get in habits I would prefer they have. Such as using it like a phone.
I completely concur with Jonathan's comment. My older son is about to turn 12 and his cell phone is not a tether, but a longer leash than he would otherwise be allowed. I am far more confident allowing him to bike to baseball practice, go with friends for ice cream after school, and enjoy other independence, knowing that we can reach each other if needed.
As Lenore Skenazy argues in her outstanding book Free Range Kids, the advent of cell phones is one of the chief ways in which today's kids are SAFER than we were as kids. The more parents understand -- and appreciate this -- the less they will fall prey to the hysteria of helicopter parenting due to news saturation of very rare cases of abductions.
Who controls the purse strings? A 12 year old CHILD may need a phone with just 3 available phone numbers. They do not NEED a smart phone. It is a fallacy many parents cannot afford, financially or dependently - get off the damn phone in the supermarket, car, bookstore, restaurant, when you engage someone else in conversation, etc.
Now, why in the world would a kid need a smart phone? It seems to me that we have lost all control and are willing to spend all sorts of moneys for whatever our kids want, whether they need it or not. And more often than not, they do not need the Smart phone. I opted to give my 12 year old kid a NET10 prepaid phone because it really did make much more sense. Starting kids off on a prepaid phone teaches them responsibility, specially if they need to contribute for the monthly payment from their own allowance. It also sets limits and parameters for usage since they really don't have an infinite amount of minutes to talk or text. Finally, it teaches them the basics of budgeting, try using 150 minutes a month - if you don't pace yourself you'll run out pretty quickly. So, with NET10, my kid helps me pay just $15 a month and she's getting a tremendous lifelong lesson in finance. Parents, don't fall into the super-size cell phone trap. Contrary to what the ads say, kids don't need a smart phone nor all the apps. They first need to learn valuable budgeting skills that only a prepaid cell phone offer, while still being able to connect with you.