• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, June 10, 2011

When the NFL finally realized that when you put millions of signing bonus dollars into the hands of a 19-year-kid who knows more about running routes than he does about how to balance a checkbook, then some stupid decisions can be made, they started classes to help newcomers to the NFL handle life's challenges and opportunities in a more mature way.

Isn't about time Congress did the same thing? With at least one afternoon slated to discuss why you don't use electronic media to troll for nooky? (What is SO scary is that these are the same idiots who are deciding what constitutes privacy in online advertising.)

Let's see if we can't lay out some kind of a syllabus for our elected representatives' orientation sessions.

When you create an electronic record -- which can be anything from a voicemail message to a photo of your ding-dong, from a text message to a Facebook posting -- it will never just go POOF and disappear. It will sit there until you inevitably piss off the object of your desires, who will then make certain the media gets a copy. And they will also give a copy to Gloria Allred, who has her own ideas about why you thought this was a good idea in the first place.

If you have another "relationship" going on the side -- say, a hooker or a housecleaner or someone you have stashed away on another continent -- there is a fair chance that you will eventually be found out. Geezus Christ, you are a frickin' public official who spent years trying to build your brand so that you were top of mind with potential voters. And now you want to sneak around anonymously so you can get laid? Doesn't work that way, sparky.

Tattoo this on the inside of one of your eyelids: The mike is AlWAYS open. Save your caustic "let me tell you how I really feel" comments for the golf course.

All of those ethnic, sexual and racist jokes you used to trade with your buds in a former life have to be expunged from your repertoire. I know some of them are funny as hell, but many of the butts of those jokes are your constituents now.

One of the downsides of accruing power is that you think you have become bullet-proof and that women will continue to be seduced by your exalted position and reward you with sexual favors without question. And that women are in fact honored by your attention. Get over yourself. Most of the women you approach think you are a disgusting asshole for cheating on your wife. The others will tire of you one day, and the whole charade will collapse.

Tattoo this on the inside of your OTHER eyelid: Your wife and kids will NOT understand, nor forgive you. You are trading their honor and trust for pussy. That a good deal?

Every time another one of you gets caught, you add to the public perception that you are ALL a bunch of egotistical ass-chasers who think that normal rules of behavior don't apply to them. And you wonder why (besides the economy, the war (s) and education) the public doesn't trust you?

Even a nice package doesn't compensate for a face like a Whippet.