• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, May 4, 2007

For those who don't believe you can make lemonade out of lemons, Sony Pictures Television plans to repurpose old TV shows, cutting them down to three and a half to five minutes long for online play. As the president of Sony Television described it to The New York Times: "So in 'Charlie's Angels,' they have a meeting, Charlie's on the intercom telling them what the assignment is, there are a couple of fights, and then a chase, and they catch the bad guy. Then they're back home wrapping it up."

I can't see why this kind of inexpensive programming won't also appeal to the nets (especially the cellar-dwelling NBC), since they can wrap it with 55 to 56.5 minutes of commercials, continuing their long tradition of pissing off viewers at every conceivable opportunity. And how perfect for our media-mad ADHD culture where people are playing a device-driven game of Whack-the-Mole, jumping back and forth between crackberries, cell phones, email, social networks, GPS, IMs, channel surfing and tippling playlists on their iPods. But almost anyone can sit still for a 5-minute TV show, right?

"24" -- Terrorists threaten Los Angeles. Jack quickly recovers from latest beating/torture/shooting and calls Chloe, who looks furtive. They ALMOST catch the bad guys now and then, but don't until the last five seconds, when Jack beats/tortures/shoots sinister leader of vague Middle East/Ukrainian extraction. Viewers long for Kim Bauer to return in tight tees.

"Grey's Anatomy" -- Wife brings in son/husband/lover with fantastical disease/malady seen once every 200 years. Residents fight to see who will scrub in. Sexual tension between doctors is relieved only by having cast sleep with everyone else in entire hospital. Patient dies of disease/malady, but staff, in prolonged dénouement, doesn't care.

New York Yankees Baseball -- Yanks take early lead behind promising young pitcher. A-Rod goes 3 for 4, hitting another home run. No-name team from #19 DMA comes back in late innings to win. Torres looks forlorn and someone (anyone) says, "We have to play better baseball if we are going to win."

"Boston Legal" -- Attractive woman asks firm for legal help. Denny makes pass. Alan makes innuendo. Shirley rolls eyes. Denise shows cleavage. Viewers wonder what Claire sees in Clarence/Clarice. Alan saves case with snappy summation that would be laughed out of any real courtroom in America.

"Dateline NBC" -- Man walks into kitchen, calls out for under-aged girl. Chris Hansen shows transcripts of IM exchanges. Man's mind races for credible excuse. Can't think of one, starts apologizing. Man led away in handcuff. Viewers wonder why idiot-pedophiles don't watch TV? Too many commercials?

"Desperate Housewives" -- Someone who probably once committed a heinous crime proposes to Susan/Lynette/Gaby/Edie. She equivocates since she might still be in love with former husband/lover/yardboy. Man shrugs, sleeps with nearest neighbor. Susan/Lynette/Gaby/Edie fight, then make up.

Showtime -- Purporting to show grimy underbelly of former European historical era, interchangeable cast takes turns getting naked and killing everyone who they deem "disloyal."

HBO -- Purporting to show grimy underbelly of former American historical era, overpriced cast takes turns getting naked and killing everyone who they deem "disloyal." Squeezes 35 f-bombs into each five-minute show.

"The Office" -- Michael does/says something extravagantly stupid. Dwight signs on. Jim makes joke, eyeballs Pam who almost declares her love for Jim, but doesn't. Stanley looks disgusted. Viewers wonder what Jan sees in Michael.

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.