• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 5, 2007

Matt Seiler, the CEO of media agency PHD (who once in a weak moment said it would be the pinnacle of his career to be featured in this column) told Mediaweek that his firm was developing media plans by scanning brains of a statistically significant audience to see "where the blood flows" when they were exposed to different forms of media. "We're figuring out, here's the part of the brain that has to be stimulated in order to do this, and here's the best media vehicles in order to be able to do it," he said obscurely.

I suspect that scanning brains does not come cheap--unless Seiler got the Ronco TV compact rotisserie scanner special for three payments of only $19.95 (plus shipping, handling, taxes, fuel surcharge, Security Level Orange tax, FCC regulatory fee & gross receipt tax and if you call RIGHT NOW, you get a second compact rotisserie brain scanner absolutely FREE!). If only Seiler had asked me, I could have saved PHD a considerable amount of money. Mapping blood flow to various parts of the body has been an interest of mine ever since Cheryl Tiegs declared, "I had NO idea you could see through that white fishnet."

Let me break it down for Seiler and suggest which media might be most appropriate for his clients.

Frontal Lobe - reasoning, planning, parts of speech, movement, emotions, and problem-solving. OK, here you run into your first Mars-Venus thingy in that you have reason and emotion sharing the same hot tub. On one side you have fart bubbles followed by a satisfied smile, and on the other you have someone asking why that is anything to be proud of, or smile at. With problem-solving holding the towels, you would think there'd be some sort of way to reconcile this ageless debate--but alas, evolution has made little progress in just 20,000 short years. Best media recommendation: Victoria's Secret catalogues.

Parietal Lobe - movement, orientation, recognition, perception of stimuli. The fly in the grey matter here is the "perception of stimuli." This is largely manifest in premenopausal women who keep asking "Is it hot in here?" Or by young males in their sexual prime who think harder and faster equals more pleasure for her, resulting in a timeless preoccupation with the ceiling needing a new coat of paint. Best media recommendation: anything on the CW or Fox, since the only stimulus of their programming is "perceived."

Occipital Lobe - visual processing. You would think this would be a pretty straight-ahead part of the brain; but ponder how it can be that on observing the same Miss USA Contestant, the male occipital lobe processes "bodacious tah-tahs," while the female occipital lobe processes "They're fake." Best media recommendation: SI Swimsuit Edition.

Temporal Lobe - perception and recognition of auditory stimuli, memory, and speech. This is all about listening, reminding me that the other day, my wife said, "You never listen to me..." or something like that. Best media recommendation: Mets baseball. You have to listen because it is too ugly to look.

Thalamus - sensory and motor functions. This part of the brain connects what you see with what you many want to touch. Read results of the Isaiah Thomas trial for details. Best media recommendation: New York Times Sunday Magazine. You see it, but you can't touch it because there is too much else to read on a Sunday morning that isn't 2,000 words.

Hypothalamus - involved in functions including homeostasis, emotion, thirst, hunger, circadian rhythms, and control of the autonomic nervous system. You look at this dashboard of control knobs and it all points to taking a long nap after consuming a bag of chips and a couple of beers. Best media recommendation: NFL.

Amygdala - involved in memory, emotion, and fear. This is where you remember that you forgot your significant other's birthday and realize that NOTHING you can say or do will make it right, and that you will hear about it for years ever after. Best media recommendation: nearest high-end jewelry catalogue.

Hippocampus - learning and memory. . . for converting short-term memory to more permanent memory, and for recalling spatial relationships. This is the part of your brain that shuts down when you are trying to remember where you put the goddamned car keys and who you said yes to dinner with on Saturday night. Best media recommendation: direct mail for assisted living facilities.

Medulla Oblongata - maintaining vital body functions, such as breathing and heart rate. This sounds pretty important, so let's not dick around in here with ad messages. Yes, some things should be sacred.

Pons - involved in motor control and sensory analysis. Here is where, when you get the good news that your girlfriend is not pregnant, you are able to jump up and down in your mind while maintaining a cool demeanor that tells her she's still in the picture--although you are already formulating an exit strategy. Best media recommendation: soap operas.

Midbrain - vision, hearing, eye movement, and voluntary motor function. In this vital part of the brain, you are able to discern just how many ad images are coming your way and build up a variety of defenses to block them out. Which will send Seiler back to the lab to see how he can develop a program that, if it can't overwhelm your defenses, plants little IED ad messages along the roads you travel.

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.