• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 12, 2007

Algonquin J. Calhoun, an online marketing executive with a Midwest-based manufacturing firm, last week discovered that he has been talking to himself for nearly a year. While millions of Americans routinely talk to themselves because they 1) are married and don't really want to start a conversation that will extend beyond kick-off; 2) feel the need to respond in anger but don't want to get their butts kicked by the larger, younger, clearly stronger object of their wrath; 3) or are moments away from a psychotic break that will confirm the office gossip that they have been nuts all along. But in this case, Mr. Calhoun had been talking to himself online and had no idea.

"I kept getting these invitations from this guy or that gal who invited me to join some online network that linked people together for various reasons," Mr. Calhoun told Over the Line, "and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not responding, so I joined everything I was sent. Problem is, I lost track of all the various user-names and identities for each network, and before long I was talking to myself."

When Mr. Calhoun completed questions about his interests and hobbies on each social site profile, he always filled them in the same way, so the network algorithms would soon send him a notice that someone "just like you" had joined the group.

"There are not a lot of people who like Rachmaninoff and cream-filled oatmeal cookies and Robert E. Lee and 'Scrubs,' so I was pretty excited to find out there were a couple of folks just like me out there," said Mr. Calhoun. "I would immediately ask to be their friend -- and was so excited to get a notice about the same time that someone like me, wanted to be MY friend.

"Well, one thing led to another, and pretty soon I was exchanging views on everything from the Google DoubleClick deal to why the Pinkertons didn't know that the Yankees outnumbered the Confederates throughout the Peninsula campaign, but couldn't and wouldn't press their advantage.

"I suppose I should have realized sooner that I was just leaving messages for myself, but I was so excited to find someone who shared my views so closely that I just got lost in the process."

Mr. Calhoun, who spends on average about eight hours online each day, apparently accepted invitations from 46 different social and professional networks and spent four to five hours a day responding to messages from himself.

"When you are 46 different people, you can end up being a social network of yourself, I guess," Mr. Calhoun said. "To be honest, I kind of miss myself."

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.