Let's jump right into things today, shall we? I have seven questions about
Se7en, a mag best described as a sleek wanna-be mashup of
GQ,
Maxim and
ESPN The Magazine with a
gambling problem.
1. Why do I dislike it as much as I do? I am, after all, the target audience for this publication. I dig sports and the occasional casino jag. I wear clothes
and I feed myself multiple times daily.
Yet outside of the Floyd Mayweather Jr. interview (holy lord, I can't wait until Saturday night), nothing in the April/May issue of Se7en
piques my interest even slightly. Not the poker tips and hints about gambling "arbitrage opportunities," not the half-assed "Motion" auto coverage, not the "Savor" tidbits on beer and food and shoes
and pens. It's impressive, actually, that someone has managed to devise a magazine that caters to almost every one of my interests and yet still doesn't capture my attention.
2. Why name
a shiny, high-living men's magazine after a movie in which Gwyneth Paltrow's head ends up in a box? Don't get me wrong: I fully support any effort, fictional or otherwise, in which Ms. Paltrow is
erased from our collective consciousness. I just don't get the connection -- especially since "Se7en" hit multiplexes back in 1995, when a sizable chunk of Se7en's potential readership was
still in high school.
3. Why would a long-lead publication bother with time-sensitive sports content? Yes, I bought the April/May Se7en towards the end of its newsstand run,
but the "Know" guides to the Final Four and The Masters were hopelessly dated by April 8. Meanwhile, I'll never understand why any magazine -- a sports one, a shopping one, a fetish one, whatever --
would run a feature story devoid of original reporting. Never mind its subject worship ("From a performance perspective, there is no doubt that he has the character and will to succeed in Los
Angeles"); the piece on David Beckham merely summarizes every other story that has been written since the announcement that he'll be setting up shop on this side of the pond, throwing in a token quote
from a press conference held in January.
On the other hand, maybe that's not such a terrible idea for Se7en. Consider what happens when the mag gets a little creative with its
verbiage: "Ed Walsh was straight-pimping batters back in his 1904-1917 career." Straight-pimping?
4. Should every magazine hire a common-sense editor? You know, somebody who scans
every issue for contextual and/or common-sensical hiccups. Se7en needs one more than most.
In its front-of-book "Se7en Up/Se7en Down," the mag revels in the demise of FHM: "The
men's magazine featuring half-naked women and an abundance of frat-boy humor pulled the plug on the U.S. version of the publication, sending sports fans everywhere searching for a new place to see
serious female sports announcers in bikinis." This item sits right next to one about a "new MLB drinking game" in which fans should pound a beer for every inning Royals hurler Gil Meche doesn't
complete. Nothing frat-boyish about that. Later, in "Lure," Se7en presents a "7 Hottest Sportscasters" spread in which Jillian Barberie's cleavage threatens to explode off the page and take a
bite out of the reader's cheek. Hello, irony.
5. Do men's magazines understand that their readers are not awed by celebrity? Well, at least not female celebrities who aren't
airbrushed within an inch of their life and trollup'd down in bikinis, anyway. I can't think of a reason why any reader would be interested in the fact that Home Depot scion Arthur Blank dines at Chef
Rathburn's Atlanta eatery, nor why a page of product blurbs lumped under the heading of "The World According to John Salley" is any more appealing than a celeb-free equivalent.
6. Is
there a worse writer on the planet than Steak Shapiro, Se7en's Larry King-ish last-page pundit? That a national magazine would run his aimless musings speaks to an imagination and
intelligence deficit so profound that I fear for the future of my profession, if not humankind. Among his thoughts in the April/May issue: "Don't ever shy away from great spaghetti and meatballs,"
"Tom Petty's recent album, 'Highway Companion,' is a great example of what a great singer/songwriter is capable of," and "A truly gifted concierge has the ability to take a really nice vacation and
make it into a once-in-a-lifetime experience."
Nonetheless, I'd like to volunteer for pinch-hitting duty during those months when Steak is overcooked (rim shot!). Here's my first column:
"LeBron James is very tall, so it doesn't surprise me that he plays basketball"... "Nothing provides shade on a sunny day like a tree"..."David Spade is a true gentleman and one of our comedic
national treasures"... "Listen up, Roger Clemens: The best baseball pitchers are the ones who throw strikes"... "Before I wrote this sentence, I scratched my arm"... "A coffee shop that sells music?
Say it ain't so, Starbucks." Got it all? Good. That'll be $3,750.
7. Are there other magazines out there who could use a few enormously talented and creative design people? Because
Se7en's art staff deserves better than to toil on destined-for-the-recycling-bin tripe like this. The layouts are eye-catching but not overly flashy; the color, font and photo choices rival the
best of what design-savvy mags like Wired have to offer. They even find a way to render the editor's note visually interesting, presenting it in the shape of a 7. They've got some strong resume
fodder for when Se7en goes out of business. Which should be very, very soon.
MAG STATS
Published by: Se7en Media LLC
Frequency: Bimonthly maybe?
The "About Us" page on the Web site doesn't provide any guidance ("Do you want to find more about us? Coming Soon.")
Advertising information: Matt Brown for national inquiries
(678-528-0379, ext. 118) and Carol Kahn for Las Vegas inquiries (702-450-2343)
Web site