• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, May 2, 2008

"Agencies and advertisers are growing more interested in neuroscience--measuring brain waves, galvanic skin response, eye movements, pulse rates and the like--in their never-ending efforts to improve effectiveness," Stuart Elliott tells us. "We measure attention, second by second; how emotionally engaged you are with what you're watching, whether it's a commercial, a movie or a TV show; and memory retention," one of the neuroscientists told The New York Times. The top award-winning ads "are replete with emotional appeals meant to engage viewers; they also use a 'cognitive jolt,' a twist or surprise, to earn interest," said another.

All of this research happens in laboratory environments so that researchers can isolate which aspects of the ads their victims--I mean subjects--are reacting to. But since in the real world people are multitasking while they watch TV, it might be smart to not only hotwire brains, but also have a webcam on top of the TV so that when researchers see the needles jump, they can check out the viewers on video to see if there are external circumstance other than the ads that produce galvanic skin responses or spikes in brain waves.

Machine Response Read-Out Neuroscience Guy (MRG): "I'm getting a jump in the sapo-crackerjack, here; I'm not sure he likes the spokesgirl beside the car...what think?

Webcam-Checking Neuroscience Guy (WNG) "From what I can tell, the spaniel sitting next to his chair just ripped an S-B-D; he's fanning the air with the sports section and sending the dog packing."

(MRG) "Whoa, look at this, this guy's rambosia testoseratic level just went through the roof. I think he loves the close-up of the burger."

(WNG) "I don't know, his laptop is on the Vanity Fair site and he's got his hand in his shorts..."

(MRG) "As the romantic narrative unfolds, I am seeing a drop in this woman's galvanic pudendacritis. I don't think she believes there is any connection between whiter whites and marital fulfillment."

(WNG) "She's telling her husband to pull up his jeans so she doesn't have to see his plumber's crack every time he bends over."

(MRG) "I think we got this one--look at the jump in her contracephelation when the girl steps into the shower stream and soaps up."

(WNG) "Unfortunately, SHE left and the 14-year-old boy is sitting on her receptors."

(MRG) "I'm getting some crazy readings on the car rental spot. Has the subject gone to sleep?"

(WNG) "No, the kid puts the sensors on the spaniel while he's checking out the PPV adult titles."

(MRG) "Now this is really interesting--whenever the couple sit in the tubs in the EDS spot, this guy's jurassic putzbyebye rate triples."

(WNG) "The guy and the 14-year-old have a porn movie going in the picture-in-picture, which they kill whenever the mom walks through the room."

(MRG) "I'm seeing a huge drop in her emmotasmanic when the couples embrace. She's not making the connection between a fresher breath and getting the guy. What's up?"

(WNG) "The guy in the jeans just picked up a tennis ball to throw to the spaniel."

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.