Commentary
Paging Jared Fogle
- by Jeff Dubin , September 1, 2010
How have you been doing? Still svelte? It's been awhile since you were a constant presence on our TVs with your tale of how a two Subway subs-a-day diet helped you lose a whopping 245 pounds. The exercise you added to your daily routine didn't hurt either. You were an inspiration to millions of overweight Americans. In fact, Subway says that thousands of people wrote the company to tell of their weight loss, with a total loss of 160,000 pounds. The company's site informs us that this is equal to 10,000 marching band tubas!
I hear that you continue speaking on Subway's behalf. Jared, you're also quite a mensch. Rumor has it that you started the Jared Foundation to combat childhood obesity. Very nice.
A modest proposal
Life's been pretty good to you and you've certainly given back. Also, I know Subway still keeps you busy traveling 200 days a year but if you have some spare time, it would be great if you could help the environment, too. I know, asking one man to tackle obesity and our environmental problems is a tall order but you're a natural. I see that you try to eat organic produce when you can. In addition, your employer has a sustainability program called "Eat Fresh. Live Green." So you have at least dipped a toe into the sustainable living pool.
Why you? "I'm the obesity guy, not the green guy," you might protest. No, Jared you're Every Guy. We relate to you. If you committed to a green lifestyle, think of the possibilities. Maybe we'd get off our fossil fuel-burning butts like when you made us put down our boxes of Krispy Kremes and get out of our Barcaloungers a decade ago.
Picture this
You turn your home green with the help of several green product manufacturers. From your house's paint to its flooring to the food in your refrigerator, low-impact choices will be everywhere. These companies get free advertising and you get some wonderful gifts for your impending nuptials. However, your going green isn't going to be enough by itself to get the rest of us to take the plunge. You have to show us the benefits. When you restricted your diet to Subway subs and lost all that weight, the potential benefit of eating Subway subs was made clear even if, mathematically, a sample of one means squat.
This is definitely going to be a bigger challenge. There will be no irrefutable before-and-after pictures you can produce to show the benefits of going green. How about a before-and-after estimate of your home's carbon footprint?
However, there might be health benefits that you can document such as keeping your weight off with all the organic produce you're eating. Also, maybe you and your future wife will have fewer respiratory problems from the lack of paints containing volatile organic compounds and the use of less toxic cleaning products. Keep a journal and see if you notice any other positive health effects of going green.
And let's talk money. Alright, you're getting all these green goodies for free; so rebates and tax breaks may not be in the offing for you. However, you should see your utility bills go down and you may be able to spend less time and money maintaining your home. When it comes time to resell your home, you should be able to fetch a higher price for it. And let's not forget those sponsoring companies that might be eager to pay you to work your PR magic for their products.
Besides being healthier and more budget-friendly, a green home may also be more comfortable since heating and cooling will be better distributed throughout the house. And have you seen some of these green buildings? They are pretty easy on the eyes, too.
And then there are the intangible benefits to your psyche. Perhaps you'll feel the satisfaction that comes from doing your part to lessen your impact on the environment. And the patriot in you might get a kick from denying revenues to nations that produce both oil and a hatred of the U.S.
Will all this lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilled Jared? Just maybe. What have you got to lose?
All the best, Jeff
Jared,
I have more to add to Jeff's letter.
Make sure to tell people that when your AC compressor broke down (sooner than otherwise due to the inferior green-mandated parts), it cost you $7,000 rather than $2,500. Explain to consumers that's because green regulations have made it necessary to retrofit your attic coils and blower to the new compressor, and the parts deliberately are manufactured, per green police regulations, not to match. As a celebrity, you didn't have to sell your house and move into an apartment to pay for this ecohysteria like many people are--but you can remind the little people out there that such sacrifices are noble in order to stop man-made global warming (even though it looks like this isn't happening, it's the thought that counts, right?).
You can also tell people how wiggly good you feel inside to pay 700 percent more for your asthma inhaler because the green police decided its propellant was also causing global warming--yes, the warming that science is now showing probably isn't. But no matter, feeling good and giving the government more power is the thing. Oh, and don't forget to tell the masses that the inhalers don't work as well as the old ones. As a celebrity, this doesn't hurt you, of course, only lower income people and their ER-bound kids. But when they're gone we'll have a more pure planet anyway.
And while you're at it, you can tell them how your green tax rebates make up an astounding 10% of the money you lost to inflation due to killing off the fossil fuel industry! Gosh, by shutting down those icky power plants and replacing them with low voltage windmills, we can get the economy back to the 1890s--while having to support only 100,000 million more Americans! Now that's a green diet for you!
Oh Jared, don't neglect the car. The electric car. Keep slim because otherwise you'll never fit into it and that would be bad for the movement's image. But do mention how it keeps you fit since it only goes 40 miles, which encourages you to walk more anyway.
One more thing before I forget, Jared.
A great visual in your commercials will be donning your toxic waste suit to clean up the mercury released when your Al Gore light bulb breaks. I can just see it! (But don't tell them the light bulb only lasted a year when it was supposed to last ten, okay?).
Best to you in the new green Third World, Jared.
Your green guru, Al
Cute. "Green" does need a national spokesperson, and I am all for that. I am not sure I would choose Jared since his ethos may be more aligned with a company that may not have the best interest of its patrons as the primary motivation. But, yeah, an everyday guy or gal would work... along with some sensational marketing dollars from an eco-invested corp sponsor.
The Chris Corbett/KMA Direct/Al comment reflects a desire for attention and love. Green Guru Al, I hope you get what you need in order to come into balance with the planet and society. Maybe you can learn to dull your edge with a little kindness?
Richard
I have to throw some support behind Richards comments - many people complain but seldom offer another possibility of doing it a better way that benefits the most and hurts the least. Whenever I hear people complaining about how today's new fangled tech and products cost so much more, I often say I remember when things were really cheap too - but that's because corporations used sweat shops and near slave labor to produce things as cheaply as possible to produce the biggest profit for a select few, including the consumer who profited the most. It's time we as consumer swallow the load and pay the premium instead of the generations before us who kept passing the buck.
Fun approach, Jeff. I'll pass this along.