• by October 29, 2003

A BABY'S ARM HOLDING A REMOTE CONTROL - That appears to be what American parents want, according to a disturbing study released Tuesday by the media researchers at the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. In fact, the study finds that 10 percent of infants (ages 6 months to two years) have a TV remote control designed specifically for children. And they apparently need them. Nearly two-thirds of such infants are watching the tube daily. In fact, more than a quarter of these bambinos actually have a TV set in their bedroom. The findings, while not necessarily surprising to parents of a post-Teletubbies generation, nonetheless challenge conventional principles of media planning, which historically have ignored the chronologically challenged. Nielsen Media Research, for example, only counts viewers who are two years and older in its TV ratings system. And Arbitron, which has been testing a marvelous new portable people meter for radio and TV measurement, currently only measures tykes as young as six in its U.S. tests, though it has begun a Canadian test of the new meter that measures viewing - and listening - among kids as young as two. As significant as that measurement breakthrough might be (the current industry cutoff for radio listeners is persons 12-plus), it apparently does not go nearly young enough. Indeed, the Kaiser Foundation, which only five years ago ignored children under two when it conducted similar research, now says it would field research that goes "down to birth." We don't know about you, but the Riff finds this unsettling. It also causes us to recollect one of our favorite '70s bands, The Tubes, and how prophetic they truly were. For those closer to the Teletubbies set than '70s rock, the Tubes were a new wave band that played off of and parodied our TV dominated culture with a true vengeance. Their songs were both a homage and a savage of the power of the medium and perhaps nothing illustrates our current state as well as the cover of the band's 1979 album, "Remote Control." It featured an infant reclining in a baby seat and seemingly poised to suckle a nipple protruding from a TV set. The lyrics to one of the songs featured on that album, "TV Is King," included the apocryphal:

I really love my--television

I love to sit by--television

Can't live without my--television

I can't turn off my--television

Don't really know why--television

I understand my--television

I really love my--television

TV is king

You're my everything

TV is king

Given Kaiser's findings, we can only imagine what future generations of media consumers will, to quote another Tubes' song, "want from life." If current patterns continue, it clearly won't be a "baby's arm holding an apple." But it just might be:

To get cable TV

And watch it every night

There you sit

A lump in your chair

EVER TRY TURKEY STUFFED WITH MATZAH BALLS -- It's not quite Halloween, but the Riff is already thinking about Thanksgiving. And it's not just because we're salivating over the holiday banquet and all its trimmings. It's because of Ed Bleier's important new book, "The Thanksgiving Ceremony." Bleier, a former bigwig at Warner Bros.' TV division and the head of ABC Daytime before that, has turned from the cathode ray tube to the literary page and in the process has redefined Thanksgiving from a trite Turkey Day for gorging and watching college football to a celebration of our roots and - even more importantly - all American roots. Bleier's version of the Thanksgiving feast centers on a meal that incorporates Americans from all religions and ethnic backgrounds.

TRICK OR TREAT -- Actually, the Riff realizes we should be thinking about Halloween. It's already Oct. 29 and we haven't even planned on a costume. Thank goodness the holiday-saving Web publishers at Forbes.com have come up with a handy solution. Our only problem now is whether we want to go as a dead celebrity (it's a toss up between the gear fab John Lennon mop-top look, or the Yah, mon Bob Marley rasta' look. We already went as Marilyn Monroe last year.) Or a power-grabbing, money-grubbing CEO (that one's split between insider Martha Stewart and deposed Enron chief Ken [No-Lay-Aways] Lay). Come to think of it, we'll just go as everyone's favorite billionaire, Bill Gates. Pick your own printer-quality mask, courtesy of Forbes.com, from the following links:

Dead Celebrity Halloween Masks(http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/28/cx_mh_1028deadcelebmasks.html)

Billionaire Halloween Masks (http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/28/cx_mh_1028billiemasks.html)

CEO Halloween Masks (http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/28/cx_mh_1028ceomasks.html)