To illustrate the new corporate synergy, NielsenConnect placed the story exclusively in Mediaweek, after it was passed up by both the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. The release, er story, reveals five new compound words - NielsenCombine, NielsenConnections, NielsenTrend, NielsenHealth, and NielsenLinx - representing various new products and services, that are actually repackaged combinations of old products and services, but with much higher price tags and with no spaces between their names.
"This is only the beginning," Mandel said in a letter to clients outlining the products. "We will continue to develop exciting new services under the NielsenConnect brand - services that leverage our remarkable assets to help you better understand consumers and anticipate trends."
Asked what some of those exciting new services might be, Mandel demurred, but a Nielsen insider leaked us an internal memo detailing what's on the company's DrawingBoard:
NielsenWeek. NielsenCo. will formally integrate its corporate communications department with its trade publishing division, consolidating Adweek, Brandweek, Mediaweek, Billboard and The Hollywood Reporter into a single weekly publication devoted exclusively to news about NielsenCo.
NielsenCorrect. This unit will operate a lot like other Nielsen services, except the information it reports will be accurate. It's expected to be a premium service.
NielsenCollect. A special team of burly Nielsen field representatives who will follow up and make personal calls when clients cannot afford to pay the exorbitant fees associated with NielsenCorrect.
NielsenDisconnect. It comes into play when NielsenCollect fails to.
NielsenIntrospect. This one is so secret its services are known only to a few Nielsen insiders.
According to Mandel, Nielsen will be dropping something other than the spaces between its names. It will also be getting rid of a word that has become quite unpopular with its clients: no.
"That's right, our people can no longer say that word,'" Mandel confirmed. "They're still permitted to say, naught, null, nil and nix, but the word-which-must-not-be-named is officially - as the Dutch like to say - 'verboten.' Nein, nyet, and nada, however, are still permissible."