• by November 12, 2003

JUDGING ROSIE, MARTHA'S NEXT -- Now that the courts have settled Gruner + Jahr USA's suit against erstwhile magazine diva Rosie O'Donnell, the Riff is looking forward to Martha Stewart's day in court. It's not because we have any sense of her guilt, we just can't wait to see if Martha will call Rosie a "bitch" in court, too. In any case, O'Donnell must be feeling a lot less bitchy today, now that state Supreme Court Justice Ira Gammerman ruled that neither side won, which the Riff considers to be a win for O'Donnell.

IT'S A SAD DAY ON CHAUNCEY STREET -- As far as the Riff is concerned, The Honeymoon is over. TV will never be the same with the passing of Art Carney. When it came to comic (and occasionally, sublimely tragic) TV characters, Carney was always our "grand high exalted mystic ruler." And while the Riff was never officially a member of RALPH (Royal Association for the Longevity and Preservation of the Honeymooners), we were always an unofficial member of NORTON. "Art Carney's work on 'The Honeymooners' set the gold standard for all the television 'second bananas' of the past four-plus decades. His Ed Norton was the perfect complement to Jackie Gleason's Ralph Kramden, and the two were as important a comedy team to television as Laurel and Hardy were to film. And, boy could he core a apple," shares Mark Braff, a well-known industry PR exec and a member of RALPH. In a year that has seen the loss of so many cultural icons, Carney's death comes as a sad endnote to a truly golden age of television. In fact, if you asked the Riff to name our all-time favorite TV moments, numerous "Honeymooners" episodes would be among them, but it would be a "Twilight Zone" episode starring Art Carney as a destitute department store Santa turned real deal that will always be at the top of our list. And when the Riff sits back this New Year's Day to watch Sci-Fi Channel's "TZ" marathon, a few extra tears will well up as we invoke Carney's "and to all a good night." Until then, we'd like to salute Carney with one final, "woo-woo."

WHERE ARE ALL THE YOUNG MEN GOING? IRONICALLY, IT MAY BE CBS - What will CBS' chief ratings spinmeister Dave Poltrack do now that the old codger network has taken the lead among viewers 18-49 (for the week ending Nov. 9)? After years spent trying to debunk the highly touted demo as TV's advertising panacea, Poltrack must now resist the urge to do the same. In fact, the win is the first time since Nielsen adopted people meters, that CBS has won the young adult ratings crown during a November sweeps race. The Riff, for one, expects Poltrack to stick with his story during the network's inevitable end of sweeps briefing, emphasizing its dominance among total viewers, as well as 25- to 54-year-olds, the demo that a joint CBS/MediaPost/InsightExpress study found to be the true key advertising buy. However, we imagine an 18-49 slide or two are likely to appear in CBS' sweeps deck. But don't expect to see any slides on the 18-24 men demo from CBS or any of the networks. They're still MIA (missing in-tab audience).

NOT KNOWN FOR BEING A SKINFLINT, FLYNT TAKES A PASS ON JESSICA'S SKIN - Just for the record, the Riff's money was on Elizabeth Smart all along, but Larry Flynt's apparently was on Jessica Lynch. Thank goodness, the Hustler publisher has opted out of publishing what he purports are naked photos of the former army supply clerk and propagandized Iraqi War heroine. After paying an undisclosed sum to procure the photos from undisclosed sources, Flynt says he simply decided to "do the right thing." The Riff, however, suspects such photos - if they truly exist - will end up being circulated on the Internet. Heck, they'll probably be published online even if they don't exist. Meanwhile, we were not surprised to see Lynch's biopic trail Smart's competing TV movie in Sunday night's Nielsen tallies. It's not that we didn't admire Lynch's fortitude under what were certainly harrowing circumstances. It's just that bizarre nature of Smart's kidnapping is a more compelling - if sensational - story.

GLOMMING BUT NOT CONGLOMMING ADVERTISING ASSETS - The Riff would like to add another to the list of industry phrases we've officially banned. From this moment on, we will never refer to WPP as an advertising agency conglomerate. The reason: WPP's boss asked us not to, in no uncertain terms. "If you want to upset me, you'll call WPP an advertising agency conglomerate," threatened Sir Martin Sorrell Tuesday morning during a keynote at the Beyond The Numbers conference in New York. It's not that the Riff fears a dubbing from a royal knight so much as we truly respect Sir Martin's success at glomming marketing communications assets, not to mention his creation of the MindShare and Mediaedge:cia media networks. Besides, as Sorrell notes, WPP now gets more revenue from non-advertising services then from advertising. We assume that's a good thing.