• by August 29, 2003

So who let the Riff's secret fantasy out of the bag? Well not entirely. The complete one involves Halle Berry, too. But the sight of Madonna planting one on Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera was like a fantasy come true for U.S. media outlets mired in a pre-Labor Day news doldrums. And just to prove it, they've been showing that clip over and over and over again. Not that we mind that, but we're wondering what all the fuss is about. After all, we remember being at the first MTV Video Music Awards when a somewhat-like-a- virgin Madonna rolled around the stage in her underwear to that very same tune. And then there was the year of an even more newsworthy kiss, when Michael Jackson smooched his young pseudo bride Lisa Marie Presley in front of the world, as if to prove, "I'm normal." But when Madonna does it to two ingénues, it's as if to prove she's abnormal. Well, that's normal. Anyway, our big disappointment of the night was not getting to see Johnny Cash receive a video of the year award for his "Hurt" video. Not that Missy Elliott didn't deserve it, it's just that the Riff lost $5 in a MediaPost office pool as a result.

In this era of heightened corporate accountability, the nation's two top fast- food chains Thursday unveiled strikingly similar marketing initiatives around a claim the Riff thinks could leave them open to a new type of consumer liability. In a marketing battle that can only be described as the Happiness Wars, McDonald's Corp. promoted Ronald McDonald to Chief Happiness Officer and charged him with spreading joy and "making the world a better place." Not to be outdone, Burger King Corp. unveiled a major restructuring of its U.S. operations to ensure their restaurants "truly delight their guests," the company said. Happiness, joy, delight? No longer content with guaranteeing simple nourishment, it seems the burger giants now want to ensure our overall well-being. Well, we can just see the class action suits piling up from melancholy meal munchers. It's one thing to call something a Happy Meal, it's quite another thing to guarantee it will actually make you happy. So we have to wonder if they've really thought out the implications of these new claims. After all, this is an industry where a cranky lady who scalded herself with a hot cup of McDonald's coffee was awarded millions (which were later appealed) because they failed to put a warning label on the cup. But the McDonald's team, at least, doesn't seem concerned about the implications for corporate governance. "He'll be a great addition to our board room meetings," McDonald's CEO Jim Cantalupo said of the new CHO, who will report directly to him. While we think happiness is an admirable goal, we'd just hate to see Ronald end up wearing stripes over it. Oh yeah, he already is.

How do you squeeze more than 25 golf courses, a wide variety of vacation activities and numerous drinking stories about the best rum in the world into an ad. Apparently, you don't, according to the marketing team at WPP's LIH Group, which scrapped their regular ad plans to promote two clients, Puerto Rico Tourism Company and Rums of Puerto Rico, and diverted them into a custom publishing effort with American Express Publishing's T&L Golf magazine. So what's the connection between golfing and rum, besides the obvious one? Leaf through the 68-page section to find out.