• by November 25, 2003

SWEPT AWAY - Sometimes Riff wishes the media business had its own inside awards show. Here are some nominations from yesterday's round of November Sweeps spins - er, conference calls.

BEST UNHEEDED PLEA - Don't ask Les Moonves about the Reagans. The CBS Entertainment president, speaking to reporters via conference call Monday afternoon, spent almost as much time talking about the shows that didn't run as the impressive performance that the Tiffany Network put in during the sweeps. Moonves answered several reporters' questions about the pulling of "The Reagans" and the Michael Jackson special. "There's been a lot written, there's been a lot said by me," Moonves told reporters about halfway through the conference call. "Could we please make this the last thing about 'The Reagans'?" Despite Moonves' plea, it wasn't. There were at least three more reporters' questions that the Riff counted.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A SWEEPS CALL - Apparently it's not only the sweeps that include stunting: Now the conference calls do. Donald Trump, whose profile has been a lot lower lately, opened the NBC sweeps conference call with a plug for his new reality-series, "The Apprentice," which will debut Jan. 8 following "Friends." Trump got off a few zingers, noting that "The Apprentice" was "radically different" for NBC. "A new show that's not a spinoff of 'Law & Order.'" And he introduced NBC Entertainment chief Jeff Zucker, who was the real big wig in the call.

BEST BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT - The NBC chief found a way to knock his competitors while discussing the Nielsen measurement issues that have plagued the networks this season. Among the shows he mentioned, were Fox's "24" and "The Simpsons," ABC's "Monday Night Football," CBS's "Survivor" and "Everybody Loves Raymond," and The WB's "Smallville." Except for UPN, the only network Riff didn't hear was Pax, probably because no one under 34's watching it.

BEST SHOW OF HONESTY BY A NETWORK EXECUTIVE - Network conference calls have their own reality, and sometimes claims get made that don't stand the truth test. But Sandy Grushow, chairman of Fox's TV entertainment division, didn't flinch from questions regarding the "Joe Millionaire" disaster, which mercifully finished last night. Grushow said that Fox's instincts were that the reality show, which performed so well last year, was a one-time stunt. But Grushow said Fox thought it could sneak a second "Joe Millionaire" by the American public, only to find that TV audiences weren't buying. "We got greedy," Grushow said.

BEST CLASSIC LITERATURE REFERENCE BY A TV EXECUTIVE - This honor goes to Fox's Gail Berman, who was asked a question about why some of the network's programming ("Arrested Development" and "The Simple Life" among them), seem to make fun of rich people. Berman said that Fox is hardly alone in that subject matter. "It's been the case since Moliere to make fun of rich people," she said. After Shakespeare's success in the movies, maybe it's time for the French playwright to go into development. Or maybe not: "Skin" -- loosely based on "Romeo and Juliet" didn't work too well.