• by August 11, 2004

EXTRA, EXTRA, TERRESTRIALS, READ ALL ABOUT IT - We were scrolling through the pages of NewScientist.com when it dawned on us that the rapid growth of cable and satellite TV isn't simply an issue for advertisers, agencies and consumers on this planet, but could very well be a big deal for those residing in other parts of the universe too. Of course, the technologies driving multichannel TV penetration on planet Earth have very different implications for the terrestrial media industry than it does for the extraterrestrial one. On the third rock from the sun we fret over things like fragmentation, CPMs and GRPs. Out there, they may be concerned about something far more fundamental: our very existence.

It seems some of the scientific minds associated with SETI (Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence) have figured out that the shift from terrestrial-based broadcasting to cable and satellite TV services may hurt the prospects of any intelligent aliens trying to find us. While that may seem like a good thing for anyone who's bought a ticket to see "Alien Vs. Predator," the SETI team see it as a major setback in intergalactic telecommunications.

"Frank Drake's point, made at a SETI workshop at Harvard University on Friday, is that television services are increasingly being delivered by technologies that do not leak radio frequencies into space," cautions the current edition of NewScientist, which nonetheless found some upside in the downside of downlinks and head-ends. "In some ways the observation is good news for SETI," reports the scientific journal, "as it means that the failure of Earth-based observers to detect aliens so far may be less worrisome than it would otherwise seem."

Now if we understand this theory correctly, it suggests that the reason we Earthlings haven't yet detected intelligent life elsewhere in the universe is because they're plugged into coax or have a dish mounted to the side of their house, or saucer, or pod, or whatever it is they reside in.

This theory also suggests that terrestrial broadcasting, which radiates TV and radio signals into the cosmos, may be evolutionarily inferior to cable and satellite TV, which do not emit any or enough of a signal to be detected off this planet. In fact, Drake goes so far as to claim that broadcast signals "are the strongest signs of our existence."

Aside from creating a whole new source of debate between the CAB's Sean Cunningham and the TVB's Chris Rohrs, we think this development has huge implications for Madison Avenue, and indirectly, for Nielsen Media Research, given the potential for lost extraterrestrial audience impressions. We can almost see the New York Times headline and we can virtually hear the Congressional hearings going on. And we fully expect to receive a press release from "Don't Count Us Out" citing a specious SETI radio telescope coincidental study as proof of flaws in Nielsen's extraterrestrial ratings methodology. ("No, not illegal aliens. Aliens from outer space," the DCUO spokesperson is likely to spin, off-the-record, of course.)

But according to SETI's Drake, such debates are not due for many years. Even if every earthling were to subscribe to a cable or satellite service and terrestrial broadcast signals were to cease overnight, he says the amount of terrestrial broadcast signals already transmitted will remain detectable to extraterrestrials for about 100 years.

From SETI's point-of-view, that's barely a blink of an alien eye, given a well-known equation made by Drake for estimating the number of detectable intelligent civilizations on other worlds. "The best estimates show that all the other crucial factors nearly cancel out, so that the number of such civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy is roughly equal to their average longevity of detectability in years," explains NewScientist."

Now just try plugging that one into your TV optimizer.

HEY, AREN'T WE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF COLONIALISTS, ANYWAY? - Well, it's almost official. News Corp. is nearly a U.S. corporate citizen. The company's board has voted unanimously on a reorganization plan that would reincorporate News Corp. from an Australian to a U.S. corporation. So now when Fox TV Stations President Tom Herwitz refers to arch nemesis Nielsen as a "foreign-owned" company to members of Congress he won't sound nearly so hypocritical. But given the impact of crappy currency exchange rates in its first half earnings report, Dutch-based Nielsen parent VNU might be better off reincorporating in the U.S. as well.

ROCK THE CASBAH - It's been used to help overthrow a Panamanian dictator and to sooth some savage beasts. Now music will be used to bolster the moral of U.S. military personnel and their families. In a deal with U.S. military organizations, Napster will give access to its music download library to more than 11.5 million active, reserve and retired military personnel, at a discounted rate of course. "Whether our military personnel are working on a base overseas or here in the United States, whether they are on active duty or in the reserves, all members of the armed forces and their families can now securely and safely access their favorite music when they want it, wherever they are in the world," assures Chris Gorog, chairman-CEO of Napster parent Roxio.

IN BRIEF (AND PANTIES TOO) - Ordinarily, when we are walking through Times Square on a sweltering August day we feel like stripping down to our skivvies, but this morning as we wiped a bead of sweat from our brow we looked up to see a group of people had already done so. Brandishing signs commemorating "National Underwear Day," some panties, some briefs, and not much else, a half-dozen hard-bodied models attracted the obligatory stares from construction workers, deliverymen and the Riff strolling down Broadway. Of course, that's what they were meant to do, as they were promoting not just a pseudo national holiday, but also freshpair.com, an etailer that peddles, what else, underwear.