• by November 18, 2004

TRIUMPH OF THE SHILL: STERN HOSTS SATELLITE RADIO RALLY IN UNION SQUARE PARK -- The Riff often likes to take in the pastoral tranquility of Union Square Park to get away from all the noise of the media world. But on this afternoon it was sadly not to be, as an estimated 4,000 Howard Stern fans were penned in on the North side of the park, waiting for their idol to make a special appearance.

Barkers were arrayed at all of the entrances to the park handing out notices that not only promised Stern's appearance, but also "free stuff."

As Stern took the stage, flanked by women from the strip club Scores and his radio crew, the self-proclaimed "King of All Media" alternately taunted the Federal Communications Commission and touted the wonderment of Sirius.

"I wonder what the FCC thinks of this," Stern cried to the roaring mass chanting "HOW-WOOD! HOW-WOOD!" Some pockets of the crowd were diverted by people watching the proceedings from rooftops, inspiring another chant: "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!"

During his sermonette, Stern briefly recalled that when he first got into the radio business, the medium was stale and dull. "And then I changed [radio] and the FCC has tried to dismantle what I built," Stern said. "But now, with Sirius, I can once again have the greatest radio show!" Further praising his patron, Stern compared Sirius to crack, "Once you start listening you'll be addicted."

It was a particularly apt analogy, since drug dealers are known to give new customers a little taste as they come back to pay again and again. Like the sly dealer's come on, Stern informed the crowd about the "free stuff." The first 400 people at the foot of the stage received a free Sirius radio, while the rest of the assembled got a certificate for one. The catch? In order to use the radio or activate the certificate, users must agree to pay the $142.45 annual subscription to Sirius by November 24.

Incidentally, according to the counter on Stern's Web site, he still has another "13 months, 18 days, 19 minutes, and 49 seconds left until his contract [with Infinity Broadcasting] is up!"

Meanwhile, as Stern was making his pitch, a small procession of people holding up signs featuring Sirius' satellite radio rival XM Radio marched by the crowd. It didn't make a dent, as the crowd overwhelmingly, and as if on cue, began angrily chanting, "XM sucks! XM sucks!"

And before we could see whether XM's guerrilla marketing would lead to some sort of guerrilla warfare, the group made a hasty retreat as the crowd was quickly distracted by the offers of "free stuff" waved at the park's entrances.