VH1, Advertisers 0

• by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, July 18, 2016

Advertisers Pull Out of “Dating Naked” Over Taste Concerns 

                          – news item

To: Julie Lyle, CMO, HH Gregg; Dana Anderson, CMO, Mondelez;  Jens-Martin Schwaerzler, president, Henkel Consumer Goods.

From: Chris McCarthy, president, VH1

On behalf of VH1 and the entire Viacom family of companies, permit me to express my concerns over the recent program-standards snafu. It seems you were each dismayed to find your spots placed in our exciting, romantic reality show, “Dating Naked.” In these days of postmodern irony, we suppose you did not recognize our winking allusion to the show’s premise, which is about naked dating. My apologies, first of all, for our too-hip-for-the-room obscurity.

We do endeavor to consider the sensibilities of our valued advertisers and their audiences. We assure you we go to great lengths to provide a positive, wholesome viewing experience for the entire family. As such, we have pioneered an editing technique that blurs detail of genitals. We call it Peni-xilation (patent pending) and as we say here at Viacom, “If you can’t see the rim, are you really sure it’s him?”

You may ask, why is there a dating show produced in the nude? And here I must get a bit peevish. You might just as easily ask, why does man explore the planets? Why does he conquer Everest? Why does he seek the mysteries of disease? The answer, of course, is: because these cast members are totally hot. 

Imagine yourself with one. Hoo boy. Bang-o-rama.

Thus, Mr. Schwaerzler, I also must take exception to Henkel’s characterization of “gratuitous sexuality.” At “Dating Naked,” producers make certain all sexual references and activity are (blurred) organic to the storyline, which is about these characters totally getting it on. I mean, seriously, they aren’t there for the conch shells.

But at the same time, it is possible to understand how you may have felt the editorial environment was not an ideal fit with your brands. That is why we are excited to announce some upcoming productions which we believe will capture the loyalty of the audience without unduly raising eyebrows or colliding with your corporate values.

We do ask you to keep this information confidential, as we have officially announced nothing to the press. But stay tuned for a fall season that includes: 

“Little Labor Day,” an endurance reality game that pits preschoolers against one another in piecework on location at an exotic Pacific Rim textile factory.

“Top Autopsy!” in which top medical examiners perform postmortems with zany items collected from studio-audience members.

“Coitus Interruptus,” featuring the hottest models and out-of-work actors in flagrante delicto, where they -- and the audience -- are shown images of war atrocities until only one manhood is left standing.

“Urban Pictionary.” In this provocative twist on strip poker, hosted by the witty Oscar Q. “Dirty” Sanchez, porn stars vie to illustrate the most colorful terms from the Urban Dictionary. Plus, Saturday  morning: “Urban Pictionary 4 Kidz.” (Don’t worry! We “pee-pee-pixilate” that, too.)