• by April 7, 2005

THE MOVIE HOLLYWOOD WOULDN'T MAKE -- Occasionally, we fancy the notion of becoming Hollywood screenwriters, but the story we've been working on lately is one that would likely be rejected as far too implausible for even the most outlandish of Hollywood Studios, with the exception of Fox, which would pass on the movie treatment and option it as a primetime reality series, which would subsequently be canceled due to miniscule Nielsen ratings.

Here's the pitch anyway.

An unregulated, foreign-owned research company seizes monopolistic control over the data that is the economic basis for 47.9 percent of the news, information, and entertainment content consumed by the American public. When the Dutch-based conglomerate conceitedly reveals, "Vee owN yoU," the head of an until-recently-foreign-owned-media-monopoly stands up and says, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

It's a story full of power, money, political intrigue, racial tensions, and even sex (you know, men and women 18 to 49). Think "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" meets "Network" meets "The Insider."

Casting:

Peter Finch as the powerful media baron who defiantly draws the line in the sand, pulling all stops, and leveraging his high-powered political connections. Finch is dead? Okay, this role will be played by a cameo from Rupert Murdoch.

Mike Myers as his son.

Danny DeVito as the powerful, conservative cable network honcho who helps his boss by leveraging high-powered political connections, intimidating trade reporters when they try to get in the way.

Max von Sydow as the megalomanical head of the Dutch research conglomerate.

Annette Benning as the adorable CEO of his U.S. research operations.

Dustin Hoffman, or maybe Robert Redford as the chief communications officer of the research company who deftly outmaneuvers high-powered Washington lobbyists and clandestine public affairs gurus.

Cedric The Entertainer as the Rev. Al Sharpton.

Denzel Washington as the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

George Wendt as the befuddled industry watchdog who's more at home counting beans than playing high stakes political games.

George Takei as a member of an influential task force charged with investigating the matter who inexplicably beams himself out of there muttering something about "dilithium crystals" after having the concept of "fault rates" explained to him for the 27th time.

John Cleese as the conscientious industry whistleblower.

James Woods as Sen. Conrad Burns.

Joan Allen as Federal Trade Commission Chairman Deborah Platt Majoras.

Tom Cruise, as the enterprising, muckraking trade journalist who uncovers the whole plot, saves the American media industry, and wins a Pulitzer in the process. Typecasting, you say? How about Jon Lovitz?