• by November 11, 2005

LIKE A VIRGIN? YOU'LL LOVE THIS -- It's confessional time--again. We must disclose that even though we write a great deal about the business of television, we hardly ever get to watch the medium itself. Call it an occupational hazard, but we're so busy covering TV that we no longer have time to actually consume it. Don't get us wrong, from what we hear there's lots of good stuff on the tube these days, or at the very least, some bizarrely interesting stuff. Which brings us to the subject of today's column: daytime TV soap operas. In particular, a recent episode of NBC's "Days of Our Lives."

Now we should also confess that even when we had time to watch TV, we almost never watched soaps. And it wasn't just because they were on during the day, when we were busy doing other things like getting an education, getting a job, or otherwise getting a life. It's just that soaps were always a little weird. We got the gist of this from the little snippets we were forced to view when we were captive, vicarious viewers. Like the time we nearly severed our leg in a freak sled-riding incident when we were 11 years old and had to lie in bed for a couple of months watching as our grandmother's daytime TV world turned, day in and day out. We felt more or less like James Caan's character in the Stephen King movie "Misery." Or back in college when we were forced to watch the interminable back-and-forth between Luke & Laura in the Student Union while trying to cram in lunch between classes.

Over the years we've heard tell that soaps have gotten hokier and stranger still, incorporating plotlines involving extraterrestrials, the supernatural and occasionally religious themes. But none of that prepared us for what a friend said he saw when he watched an episode of NBC's long-running "Days of Our Lives" this week. In fact, it was the 40th anniversary episode of the serial, which happened to feature a guest appearance by none other than Mary, the mother of God to all those of the Christian faith, which also happens to be the largest single demo in Nielsen's sample.

"It was beyond beyond," said our friend, describing the scene, and making us wish we had a TiVo and a season's pass full of "Days" just so we could replay this one. Failing that, we downloaded the official recap on NBC.com for Tuesday's episode. You can read the whole bizarre storyline here; this is how the segment concluded:

"Mimi is still in church, praying to the statue of the Virgin Mary. The statue comes to life and convinces Mimi that she has to forgive herself for having the abortion. Mary shows Mimi a vision of a happy future married to Shawn. Mimi finally forgives herself and believes she now might have a happy future with Shawn."

The really nice thing about writing the Riff is, sometimes we don't have to make this stuff up. Sometimes other people make it up for us.