Mind-Controlling TV?

I've been having TV-induced business nightmares the past several days: The nightmare is that I'm working in television as an ESPN sports anchor.

It goes something like this: For the past several nights, Dan Patrick of ESPN's "SportsCenter" has been sending me "code" words, asking me to join him on "SportsCenter" as a co-host. Those words--"Kobe," "T.O," and "En Fuego."

This is telling me it was all a mistake that ESPN couldn't resolve its differences with former "SportsCenter" colleague Keith Olbermann a few years back. Now all these years later, Patrick needs a new partner. (Sorry, Stuart Scott, John Anderson, Steve Berthiaume, Linda Cohn, and Scott Van Pelt.)

It's gotten so bad, that I want to complain to the people at ESPN. Somehow they got into my sleep brainwaves. I love my job here at "TV Watch," and the mere suggestion that I move to Bristol, Conn. to do "SportsCenter"--perhaps even the 2 a.m. "feel-good edition," as Craig Kilborn used to call it--is causing me mental anguish.



Interestingly, there's a woman in Santa Fe, N.M. with a similar problem: She says that since 1994, David Letterman has been sending her "code" words - words to show that he wants to marry her, and train her as his co-host. (Sorry, Paul).

She says one of the code words is "Oprah"--which is interesting, since her name is Colleen. But I digress.

She is so upset she has filed a restraining order--which Letterman's lawyers are looking to stop. She believes, in her complex, TV-induced mind, that Letterman will fly to Santa Fe and drag her back to New York City to be trained as his co-host and, I guess, trained as Mrs. Letterman.

The best thing about America is television. The second best thing is that you can sue anyone you want. But instead of filing suit against the average Joe for a car scratch, wrongful termination, or some services not provided--why not slap a suit against someone with a little fame and fortune, for some wrongful entertainment terrorist act.

File a lawsuit against your favorite star or producer for failing to entertain--or worse, sending messages over the TV screen asking you to move to Los Angeles to play a crazy neighbor.

I don't want to work in television. But if there's money in it, or a good story about me in The New York Times, perhaps a restraining order against Katie Couric would make sense.

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