• by Barbara Lippert , Columnist, May 20, 2024

Come on. Rudy Giuliani had to know he’d get roasted for promoting his own coffee brand. Clearly, the hair dye jokes just write -- and roast -- themselves.

But obviously, Rudy’s desire to make a buck is indomitable.  It would be unfortunate that “America’s Mayor” has fallen so far and become the butt of so many jokes, but then there’s his clearly felonious behavior.

Last December, he filed for bankruptcy in March, still owing the mother-daughter Georgia election workers Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, whom he slandered and vilified, the entire $148 million in compensatory and punitive damages that a jury awarded them after hearing that Rudy’s accusations of their “passing votes around like drugs” were baseless, and that they were forced to go into hiding after receiving racist death threats and home attacks.

Plus, he owes millions to a stable of lawyers, the IRS and more.  He told a judge he could not sell his 3.5 million condo, because he needs it for podcasting.

Having not yet paid a cent, just this past weekend on social media, Giuliani baited Arizona prosecutors who’d charged him on a fake electors scheme. He said that they’d never find him to serve the indictment.

When he livestreamed his 80^th birthday party from Palm Beach, Florida on Sunday, two officials from the Arizona prosecutor’s office served him as he was leaving the party with his girlfriend, Dr. Maria Ryan, who is often called  his “business associate.”

“Dr. Maria” as she calls herself, is a nurse, but has a Ph.D. in hospital administration, and often talks about medical issues on their podcast, and on ABC radio, where Rudy no longer has a show.

During the pandemic, for example, they touted the benefits of hydroxychloroquine as a cure for COVID-19.

Rudy actually launched Rudy’s Coffee via a video on X showing Maria in her kitchen, brewing up some Joe.

 “I’m really looking to improve my health,” she says. “I do know coffee has health benefits. But not in those little plastic things that are already ground—hurts my stomach!“

She continued: “I was looking for products that had non-GMO, really organic bean farms [sic]…So Rudy Giuliani and I collaborated and we have Rudy.coffee coming to your home soon.”

Then Rudy followed up with his own ad/video posted to X.

Shown standing wearing a blazing red shirt under a sport jacket, in a bizarrely barren, antiseptic kitchen or café setting, he opens with, “You all know I stand by the truth, so when I put my name on something, I truly believe in it.”

Sometimes you feel like a nut, and other times you choke.

“It’s the best coffee you’ll ever try” he boldly states, repeating the assertions that it’s easy on the stomach.

He adds that by buying his coffee, we’ll be “supporting the cause of truth, justice, and American democracy.”  Yep, that’s what he said.

All three bags bear blazing illustrations, done in the almost saintly, super-heroic-patriotic style that I’d call MAGA Baroque.

“America’s Mayor” is a full-faced portrait of a young, dark-haired prosecutor, shown resting his chin on his crossed hands. Behind his head is a skyline of Twin Towers-era New York City. To his left there’s a black and white portrait of three fedora-wearing male characters (?), with the Statue of Liberty to his right.

“Fighting for Justice Bold” shows modern Rudy smiling widely, wearing a blue suit and tie, with an American flag floating over his head, suggesting his own crown of stars. There’s small-town imagery, (presumably, that’s where he spreads justice) including at least one other American flag in the background.

Finally, “Enjoying Life Decaf" shows a perhaps future Rudy, sporting  shades and pricey beige leisure wear, seated cross-legged in a rattan chair on a tropical (if AI) beach setting, cup in hand. It looks like a portrait of a rich fugitive who has found his safe haven.

The web site offers text in search of a copy editor, with one paragraph describing the java’s “roastiness” and “pleasant aftertaste” repeated twice.

I have a feeling that like the Trump Patriotic Bible, which was singer Lee Greenwood’s creation, we’ll find that this coffee is not a production of Dr. Maria and Rudy’s, but rather an existing product that they’re simply selling under a changed name.

Ah, reinvention. Someday perhaps, Rudy will get to that beach and surrender to his chair, with a cuppa real good Joe in hand.