• by Wayne Friedman , Staff Writer, August 11, 2006

Like any troubled entity, the cable upfront market needs a good therapist.

Peter Chernin, president/COO of News Corp., said the cable upfront has been "schizophrenic"  this year--which means it's a market with at least two extreme personalities.

Chernin meant to refer to his own Fox Cable network group, which he says witnessed bigger upfront business, in the form of single-digit percentage revenue gains, up from a year ago. All this is in contrast, he said, to a down overall market for the rest of the cable networks.

This diagnosis really means cable networks don't know which way to turn. Not only did they stumble at the outset from all the talk about live-plus-DVR viewer ratings, but they had to combat an overall weakening and changing TV upfront market, one where every marketer worth his salt instantly demanded a multi-platform digital deal from his media agency.

"Don't come back without it," could be the line a marketing executive said this spring as he slammed the door on his way out of the offices of his media-buying agency.

Now the dysfunction is passed on.  The media buying executive then readies to do a little beating up of his cable network reps--even if it takes all summer.  The media executive figures to be a hero if he can not only get all the digital, VOD, and Internet add-ons--but for less than the deal he made a year ago with that cable network.

Everyone needs a little therapy--even the sadistic media executive. "Don't even call me back unless we are getting 'negatives,'" he might scream into a phone to the cable rep. "You'll think about it? Okay, I've got all summer to wait."

So now in New York City therapists are in hot demand, as media buying and cable selling executives can be found talking to themselves while walking down Fifth Ave.--and they don't even have their cell phones on.

But as we all know, New York therapists take vacations in August. So everyone there goes crazy for four weeks.

Cable advertising sales executive scramble to get appointments with any analysts who remain. But here's the kicker: Those shrinks do what any other capitalist might in a time of need--they mark up their prices by 15 percent. All while cable sales executives' bonuses are dropping by 5 percent.

It's good news that therapists don't hire media agencies, nor advertise on cable television. Because no one is immune to the mysteries and addiction of the upfront, their business would end up like everyone else connected to the market: just another head case.