• by January 23, 2004

VICE PRESIDENTS - Leave it to the libido-minded editors of Playboy.com to finally answer what's been on all our minds so far this campaign season: How do voters think each of the Presidential aspirants would measure up on the "oval bed." Shocked? You shouldn't be. After all, the presidency and sex have always been, well, common bedfellows. You need not think any further than lotharios-in-chiefs like Bill Clinton and JFK. According to the Playboy.com poll, Joe Lieberman is no John Kennedy. The Connecticut Senator was the candidate users felt was "blandest in bed." Interestingly, Playboy.com found that Dennis Kucinich might not be having the kind of trouble finding a date, which many have labeled him for. The only problem is, he may have had the wrong kind of dates, depending on your persuasion. Users named Kucinich the most likely candidate to have had a "same-sex" experience. So, who do voters think is actually the most sexually-in-command chief? Why the commander-in-chief, of course. Incumbent president George W. Bush was rated the candidate who is "probably the best in bed." But that doesn't mean he's getting it. In fact, Playboy.com users felt it was a reverend, Al Sharpton, who is most sexually active, followed closely behind by John Edwards. All things considered, these findings have given the Riff new reason to support Reverend Al. If we had our druthers, we'd like to know that the man who is one finger away from initiating worldwide destruction isn't feeling especially frustrated.

SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED - Surely that's how vodka marketers must be feeling after learning of Sean Connery's latest endorsement deal. Sir Connery, who is the Riff's favorite James Bond, probably did more for the consumption of vodka with his trademark catchphrase order for a martini: "shaken, not stirred" than any commercial endorsement possibly could have. But Connery has gone from bruising cocktails to bruising the egos - and quite possibly the market shares - of white spirits marketers by starring in a series of ads for Scotch marketer John Dewar and Sons. While the commercials are not slated to run in the U.S., TV and cinema ads, as well as an extensive print campaign for Dewar's Special Reserve will run in Lebanon, Greece, Mexico, Venezuela, Russia, Thailand, Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic, markets known more for their tequila, oozo, rum and vodka than grain-based spirits. But it should come as no surprise that unlike Bond, Connery would have more of an affinity for Scotch. For one thing, he's of Scottish decent. And like his favorite spirit, he has matured, become smoother and more appealing with age.

LAY OF DEE KIDS 'MON - The Riff, for one, is little surprised to see all the hubbub surrounding an endorsement deal for another distilled spirit, Allied Domecq's Malibu rum brand, which recently signed reggae singer Shaggy to plug its brand. In letters to the Federal Trade Commission and the Distilled Spirits Council of the United States, the Center for Science in the Public Interest said the endorsement deal was designed to appeal to teens, a charge, which if true would violate alcohol marketing regulations. To make its case, the center cited evidence of Shaggy's appeal among teens, including his two Teen Choice awards wins, which were based on voting in Seventeen magazine and its online edition. Personally, the Riff thinks the association might be a stretch, but what we really want to know is where the center was when reggae singers were endorsing the use of ganja?