• by Fern Siegel , May 9, 2007

I had a cat for 14 years, and Gus was amazing. He could fetch, collect plastic cutlery and dance to "La Bamba." If we were any closer, I'd have had his baby. I'm sure there is much to be said for children, but here's where pets triumph: They don't rat you out in therapy and write a best-selling memoir that makes Rasputin look like Shirley Temple next to you. And generally speaking, I like dogs. They are loyal, obedient and trainable.

By contrast, cats are like Democrats -- they don't take direction. Which may be why Martha Stewart is the owner of three dogs. The Omnimedia CEO is not known for brooking dissent -- and I doubt her four-legged friends take any guff either. Paw Paw resembles a furry throw rug, but Francesca and Sharkey, snarling on her lap like Karl Rove at an eco-rally, are clearly the Crips and Bloods of the canine world.

So if you want to know a dog's place in the world, ask New York Dog.

According to Kelly Krikhely, editor-in-chief, the reason we treat our pets "better than our human family members" is "because of the incredible inner beauty we witness from them." Really? I thought it was because families take all the fun out of dysfunction. Or because our siblings give us Neil Young CDs for Chanukah when they know we only listen to Gershwin.

Forget the spiritual journeys of Moses and Buddha. Apparently, they should just have cuddled a Pekinese and called it a day.

In short, The New York Dog is what we in the judgment business call precious. This isn't a magazine committed to the health and well-being of man's best friend, unless you call your dog Cartier and consider a $225 wool bed by Jonathan Adler essential. There are the requisite Q&As, but on balance, this mag is akin to a society rag for canines -- it takes affectation to a whole new level.

Consider "Pupparazzi," the photo section. Yes, I cringed, too -- even before I caught the French kiss between Paula Abdul and the doggie version of Yoda. Oddly, the embrace happened at the In Defense of Animals Benefit concert, proving that animals need protection most from "Idol" worshippers.

These dogs appear every bit as spoiled as their star owners --Gisele Bundchen, Minnie Driver and Penelope Cruz, who walks with her assistant, while she walks Cruz's dog -- so post-modern. But it makes me wonder why, given the bad rap evolution gets from the Oval Office, that it's OK to anthropomorphize animals, but Darwin is verboten.

Indeed, NYD lavishes the kind of attention on dogs that was once the exclusive province of celebrity handlers. Every detail merits personalized attention. Fabulous makeovers! Fabulous collars! Fabulous furniture! Calling the ads overheated is like saying Hurricane Katrina was a wind tunnel. If this pub were a play, I'd accuse the actors of chewing the scenery.

For instance, in the Eukanuba-sponsored "Most Beautiful Breeds," the advertorial doubles as a centerfold. These animals are coiffed to perfection; A-list actresses that troll the red carpet have nothing on them. Similarly, the "Bedhead Beauties" spreads will probably have the coarser breeds humping a hydrant, though I mistook the first cover girl for a hairy Brillo pad. Then I realized the little fur ball was wearing pajamas. Believe me, John Edwards' $400 'do is a Supercuts' swirl next to Quincy's, the pride of page 45.

But hands down, the most alarming section was the "Pedigree Picks." On first glance, I assumed the naughty red dresses and plush bras, last seen in a 19th-century New Orleans bordello, were for female owners. I see dogs every day, but never in a "Lolita dress" with black ruffled trim or a cheetah-print tutu best suited to Jane Russell in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." If you want to start a cathouse for dogs, here's the costume line.

In fairness, it's fun to spoil pets. But let's try it with love instead of a Swarovski gold collar.

Martha Stewart's troika, though, has a sweet deal. They accompany her every weekend to Maine or Canada. The domestic diva even developed some of the colors of her new paint line from her dogs' fur. When was the last time you inspired a billionaire? In my next life, I'd like to return as one of Stewart's pets. The gourmet food, the gorgeous homes, the grooming. Say what you will about hard work, but according to NYD, it's a dog's life. If you're lucky.

MAG STATS

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