• by February 12, 2004

WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT HERE'S WHO THE RIFF'S VOTING FOR -- If media titans were presidential candidates, right now, Michael Eisner would be Howard Dean. He's toast. We know it. Everyone knows. Even he probably knows it. But he's still going to linger on to the embarrassment of all concerned. Since the Riff is fond of over-extending analogies, here's how we'd compare other media chiefs with potential commanders-in-chief:

Brian Roberts (Comcast): John Kerry. He's got the best shot at running circles around executive offices, oval or otherwise.

Rupert Murdoch (News Corp.): George W. Bush. What else? Global domination.

Sumner Redstone (Viacom): Wesley Clark. He ran his operation with military precision, but can he cut the New World Order.

Mel Karmazin (Viacom): John Edwards. The perfect No. 2.

Dick Parsons (Time Warner): Richard Gephardt. He's already lost the race.

Robert Johnson (BET): Al Sharpton. Mobilizing the black vote.

Tom Freston (MTV Networks): Ralph Nader. It's a counter-culture thing.

Barry Diller (InterActiveCorp.): Dennis Kucinich. Well, you know the rumors.

THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MEDIA - Is the Riff the only one who has noticed that leading media trade groups are suddenly unleashing what seem to be extremely negative studies on the advertising efficacy of their medium? First the Foundation for Outdoor Advertising Research and Education released a startling new study showing that billboards don't kill people, crappy motorists do. The study was startling, not because of its conclusion, but because there apparently are enough concerns out there that billboards might contribute to driving accidents that someone thought to study it. Anyway, the study turns out to be a negative for advertising effectiveness, because of its core finding: that motorists aren't distracted by billboards, because they don't even notice them. As damning as this would seem for the outdoor medium, it was followed by an equally perplexing study from the Radio Advertising Bureau showing that advertisers think radio sucks as an advertising medium. But at least the RAB initiative, which was bankrolled by radio ratings purveyor Arbitron, has a sensible agenda. The goal of this research was to show the radio industry why its slipshod approach to audience measurement makes it, in the words of ad execs, an "imperfect medium."

The reason Arbitron and the RAB want to get that message across, of course, is that they would like nothing better than to see a groundswell of support for Arbitron's new portable people meter system, which would put radio on a level playing field with TV. And since the service will depend heavily on financial support from radio broadcasters, the RAB hopes radio station group owners will rally behind the new system to fund its rollout. Despite ringing endorsements from Madison Avenue, broadcasters - both the radio and TV kind - have been loathe to back a PPM rollout, and Arbitron's erstwhile partner in a U.S. PPM venture - Nielsen - has provided only tepid support that seems to some to be more of a stall tactic than anything else. In truth, the cable industry should come screaming to the forefront of the PPMs supporters, because that's the medium that stands to reap the greatest rewards from its rollout, though that may just the kind of thing keeping the broadcasters at bay.

Meanwhile, the Riff can't stop thinking about the potential life-threatening hazards of advertising media. Why else would the OARE commission the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute to conduct a study on the impact of billboards on driving safety? But if you ask the Riff, the really dangerous motor media are the radio and the cell phone, though we swear we've seen people doing just about everything else while driving: reading newspapers, mags, books, checking their PDAs, even working on their laptops. As a public service to our readers, the Riff would like to offer the following top 10 list of the world's most dangerous media:

10. Billboards: Need we say more than the transportation authorities?
9. Newspapers: Black lung. Well, black fingertips anyway, from thumbing through those inky newsprint pages.
8. Magazines: Blood loss from vicious paper cuts.
7. Cable TV: Broken necks. You know, loose wires everywhere.
6. The Internet: Eye strain, carpel tunnel syndrome.
5. Broadcast TV: Brain lethargy, occasionally, shock (think Janet Jackson's right breast).
4. Videogames, TiVo (tie): Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
3. Books: Narcolepsy.
2. Satellite TV: Broken limbs, electrocution. Did you ever try pointing one of those dishes on the side of a roof? What about during a lightning storm?
1. Radio - If you thought billboards were a road menace, try taking a taxi to the Ed Sullivan Theater in midtown Manhattan while the cabbie is listening to Howard Stern.