• by Fern Siegel , August 1, 2007

As Monk, that celebrated prime-time detective says: Here's the thing. The spa lifestyle is great -- if you can afford it. Or if, like Larry Birkhead's ex-lawyer, you can bill for it. Either way, it's happy time! A stranger buffs your body, massages your muscles and generally makes you feel like a million bucks.

So per Luxury Spa Finder, book into the Les Sources de Caudalie chateaux in Bordeaux and enjoy a touch of the grape, better known as vinotherapy. Pop into a jetted tub that resembles a wine cask and chill for 20 minutes in grape marc extract -- antioxidants culled from skin, seeds and stalks -- followed by several pumps of geranium and grapeseed oil. All I'm thinking is: Doesn't wine stain?

Apparently, not. There is even a vino facial, which utilizes the grapeseed oils that fight UV damage to skin. Now, if you can drink while you kick back, I'll know there's a heaven. As is, Luxury Spa Finder believes you can find it on earth. OK, so you have to cash in the kids' college fund -- did you think transcendence came cheap?

But who cares? LSF charts the spa lifestyle -- beauty to fashion, travel to design and cuisine -- with élan. If it soothes the skin and the spirit, it's probably here. The mag is a tony reminder that F. Scott Fitzgerald was right: The rich -- or at least those willing to shell out mucho dineros for pampering -- are different. And I, for one, am with them -- in spirit. In reality, any found money goes into my retirement fund. If I have to be diapered in future, I want a bronzed beach boy to do it.

Till then, I peruse these pages and invent creative write-offs. Would the Frequent Traveler multifaceted treatment -- peppermint exfoliation, hot stone massages, mini facial and creamy algae wrap -- qualify as emergency pain relief? Best of all, you never have to leave the table! It's available at the Bulgari Hotel in Milan. One worry: my health plan might deem it out-of-network.

In fact, poring over these pages is a bit like watching the Food Network, which some devotees label "food porn." They make a good case. When you see happy hosts oozing pleasure at their culinary creations, the sensuality of the cuisine, never mind the hypnotic quality of the coverage, is both stimulating and pleasurable.

Similarly, Luxury Spa Finder functions, in part, like escapist literature. Granted, a 200-word promo for a Malaysian clay wrap or a Swedish chili treatment isn't exactly The New Yorker's "Talk of the Town." Beauty takes real time and serious money. When fancy eye cream runs $65 an ounce, the future is not wrinkle-free. Frankly, you can indulge in regular spa treatments or live -- I don't honestly see how one has time for both. And here's the rub -- they are fleeting!

I've had several fantastic massages, wraps and facials. I didn't see the face of God, but they were rejuvenating. But within a day or two, I'm back to whining. Editing is challenging, but it's hardly an ergonomically correct career choice.

Still, as the great short-story writer Saki once observed: "Beauty is only sin deep." Saki, a product of the Edwardian age, wrote clever, barbed, super-short sketches, a master of economical prose. Yet despite his love of perfection, I'm not sure what he'd make of an LA facialist who worships at the altar of "facial contouring." It sounds subtle, but the technique borrows heavily from lymphatic-drainage massage. I don't know what that is, but those are two words I never hope to see in a sentence again.

Just so I'm clear: Plenty of sleep, good. Eating right, important. Exercise, essential. The piece de resistance? Booking several weeks a year at a Beverly Hills spa that caters to the A-list. It couldn't hurt.

MAG STATS
Published by: Spa Finder, Inc.
Frequency: Bimonthly
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