Ocean Home

The average ocean-view home costs almost as much as the Iraq War -- though it's easier to justify.

For openers, no one debates paradise. And judging from Scott McClellan's success with his new tell-all, No. 1 on Amazon's best-seller list, he'll probably be able to afford one. Whether the country club lets him in is another matter.

Unless he can call Obama neighbor, I'm guessing he's persona non grata at Zip codes where his former buds romp. Hint: when you see the words "Maui" and "luxe" on a magazine cover, don't ask price. If you do, as J.P. Morgan famously noted, you can't afford it.

Should you fall into this category, think of Ocean Home as real-estate porn.

Every home is shapely, and if it could talk, would scream pleasure palace. I could see Anderson Cooper in one of the Ke Kailani digs in Hawaii, hair carefully brushed, floating in the infinity pool and miraculously, never getting wet. I know he loves to tout his Third World adventures, but where does he get his Ralph Lauren chinos pressed in the jungle?

If you can afford such niceties -- the homes, not the tropical tailors -- and your name is Brad Pitt, your next manse may be found here. He's a water baby. I know this because, per People, he and Angelina are renting a 35-room chateau on the French Riviera, valued at $70 million. That's not enough to buy the presidency, but enough to sit out the recession. Or pay for college.

However, for Ocean Home readers -- buyers and developers -- who actually have St. Tropez addresses in their BlackBerrys, as opposed to the rest of us, who scribble just-met names on napkins, this is probably bedtime reading. It offers a roundup of new waterfront developments and focuses on various hideaways, like the Colleton River Plantation in South Carolina. Slight panic: where does "Deliverance" take place? Release breath. It's set in rural Georgia. Feel free to whistle Dixie.

Overall, I'm getting a vicarious kick out of OH amenities. At Villa de Avila in Los Cabos, Baja, Calif., for the geographically challenged, buyers get views of the Sea of Cortez -- $20 to the first person who can correctly identify Cortez -- and key accoutrements: Egyptian tile flooring, check! Four-car garage with mahogany cabinets, check! 10-person Jacuzzi, check! Tru Sear grill in the outdoor palapa outfitted with an LCD TV, check!

Yet I'm wondering, thanks to Al Gore: What's the eco-impact of this stuff? I assume its residents can buy enough top-shelf vodka not to care. And if it is eco-cool, invite me. I'm low-maintenance: I just need coffee, the newspaper and shade. And if you throw in a stunning masseur, I won't squawk.

What I will do, if I get an invite to the $41,000 a week St. Tropez villa, is play Ping-Pong. Yep, famed Canoubiers Beach is a few minutes away, so is the overheated nightlife. But I'll stick with the table tennis, touted alongside the villa's Bocce court. It affords a cardiovascular workout without mussing your hair.

Before you buy, peruse the "Sea Life" section, providing tony essentials for you and your beachfront home. The Archipelago collection of lounge chairs doesn't look comfy, but it was slugged "Bali High," an homage to Rodgers and Hammerstein's "South Pacific." Maybe it will supply what we all, ultimately, crave: some enchanted evening.


Published by: RMS Media Group

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