• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, December 16, 2004

It's that time of year again. When we put aside our petty differences and pretend to enjoy each other's company at office parties and family dinners. When people from foreign lands -- who the rest of the year throw our newspapers in the bushes or leave our trashcans rolling around the driveway -- send us holiday cards with their home addresses crudely stamped inside. When vendors send clients clocks that tell the time in 12 different time zones, as if we had a burning desire to know what time it is right now in Rome. When we get cards with photos of children at the beach and we wonder whose children they are.

It is also the time when columnists make little "wish lists" in which they try to deliver a subtle message to their constituencies such as the one the other day where an ad agency type admonished publishers or tech providers to: Return our phone calls. Do your homework. Meet deadlines. Respect our time.

But the "wish lists" are much too polite. Where, for example, are these vital bits of advice?

Act Your Age: Face it; you are now 20 years beyond the year you said in your youth that you'd not trust anyone. There is nothing cool about greeting your colleagues with "w'sup dog?;" discussing the play list on your iPod; or having an 'earnest" discussion with your daughter's drop-dead gorgeous college roommate about her future in the ad business. You are only kidding yourself.

Speak English: You think you sound like Stephen Covey when you say things like 'Core Competencies,' 'Customer Centric,' and 'Mission Critical.' But you really sound like an MBA-wannabe who is trying to cover up the fact that you don't have a clue what the hell you are talking about.

Get Over Bush: He won, its over, time to move along. As Helen Gurley Brown once said about men "They are jerks, but they're the only other sex we have."

Take Your Losses: I know you're still holding that Broadcom that you bought at $55 and the AOL you caught at $70 on the way down from $100, but as great as the Internet is going to be, your estate will give your shares to the church before they climb back to par.

Rise Above It: Although your competitors act like they are on trial unsupervised visitation from Sing Sing and haven't said an expletive-free word about your company in the marketplace, rise above the temptation to play at their level. You never can tell when the prospect you are talking to has a brother-in-law on the board of the other company. Besides, it's just downright unbecoming.

Get Out of the Office: Although you think the only way to be successful is to work longer and harder than the next guy, the next guy is at home with his kids watching "SpongeBob SquarePants." You may end up with a seven-figure income, but he will have lived the bountiful life.

Be Kind: Between the pressure of work and the annoyances of family life (see prior reference to "SpongeBob SquarePants"), we all tend to get a little caught up in our own panties. Remember that the people across the desk or at the check-out counter or driving the bus or tossing your paper in the bushes have problems of their own and you acting like Sipowitz' new boss ain't going to help anything go easier. As your grey-haired old mum used to tell you, "It doesn't cost anything to be nice."

Learn to Laugh: Especially if you are ever mentioned in this column. A famous actress married for decades was asked what the secret to a successful marriage was and answered, "We laughed." Words to live by.

Happy holidays and a bountiful new year