Commentary

Fear The Turtle: Google Answers Every Question

by Kaila Colbin , Featured Contributor, July 7, 2009

I'm part-owner of a company that offers exam prep for project managers. There's a certification called the Project Management Professional; becoming a PMP calls for several years of project management experience and the successful navigation of a 200-question multiple-choice test. We run five-week training courses to get people ready for the test.

Of course, being good little adult education providers, we include a lot of right-brain activity for our predominantly left-brain students. We play card games; we run exercises that call for people to get up and move around the room; we allow for extensive interaction. On the first day of each course, the group has to get together to creatively brainstorm a team name.

Our most recent group started their course last week, and their approach to the "creative team name brainstorm" was reflective of the times: after a bit of hemming and hawing, they quickly came to the realization that they're just not that creative after all. So instead, they literally Googled, "What would be a good team name?" The result, "Fear the Turtle," became official.

Incidentally, I tried Binging "What would be a good team name?" The results were useless. So I tried "What is a good search engine?" Bing wasn't anywhere on its own first page, but Google, goodsearch, and pipl.com were.

The late great comedian Mitch Hedberg used to wonder where sesame seeds came from. "What," he asked, "is a sesa-me?" I thought that was hilarious, and made it my personal challenge to find the answer without using Google. It took months, my quest finally coming to fruition via the blurb on the back of a packet of sesame seeds. (As it turns out, there is actually a sesame plant.)

We have developed an absolute expectation that our every question can be answered instantaneously, thanks to the Interweb and Google's navigation thereof. The above anecdotes are mild; that expectation is not. One of my loved ones went into the hospital two days ago. She is in New York; I am stranded, helpless, on the other side of the world. I can call and be called only so often. The limited information we have as a family gets shared quickly by email, and then I have nothing to do but sit around and wait -- and Google her symptoms and resultant diagnoses. My modern ability to research gives me the sensation, however faint and however illusory, that I have some sort of understanding of what's going on. It doesn't help, but it helps, if you know what I mean.

For the industry, search is about heat maps and conversions and brand impression; it has to be this way in order for it to exist at the scale it does. But all of those business imperatives driving the search machine fade away for me when I turn to it, trembling and uncertain, grateful for its patient willingness to answer my every question, no matter how ignorant, no matter how similar to my 20 previous questions.

Upstarts and not-so-upstarts seeking to unseat Google must realize that they are not in a search engine battle. They are in a battle to be a doctor, a priest, a confidante, a trusted advisor. They are in a battle to be your best friend at 2 a.m. when you're unwilling to rouse any of your other friends from a deep sleep. They are in a battle to be the one who answers your every question.

In my opinion, just at the moment, there's pretty much no contest.

11 comments about "Fear The Turtle: Google Answers Every Question".

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Kelly Samardak from Shortstack Photography, July 7, 2009 at 11:13 a.m.
Entertaining, well written - and thank you for the Mitch Hedberg reference :) I never laugh so hard as when I laugh at Mitch.
Have you binged yourself yet?
Reply

Matthew Stover from LKM Ventures, LLC, July 7, 2009 at 11:27 a.m.

Not very original.

You can buy Fear the Turtle gear at the University of Maryland website.

David Hawthorne from HCI LearningWorks, July 7, 2009 at 11:49 a.m.

I'm on vacation and glancing off the grid irregularly (complicated by poor connectivity). I wanted to comment on this thread a day or so ago: If "search" devotes itself to satisfying marketers, it will fail to reach its potential (as will the marketers). This has to do with the perception of 'reward', with marketers over eager to 'trigger' your purchase, as opposed to learning what you need. Marketing (advertising, more aptly) is predicated on a falsefhood --that it has a cause-and-effect relationship with the consumer. It doesn't. The Japanese are closer with their advice to 'find a parade and get in front of it.' Humans, as a class, become dissatisfied, but hate to change. You need to recognize when the 'noise and equivocation' levels are so high as to cause them to 'search' for a more suitable/satisfying solution. Ads won't do it. BT won't do it, if you look for the"trigger" instead of the "right moment." So, 'search' needs to deal more with the social and cognitive responses to external conditions. (Why did it take so long for someone to read the label on the package? People often look for a framework for inquiry before getting on with the discovery. StumbleUpon is, to some extent, predicated on this phenomenon. Things are as they are until people attempt to connect them. Then they ask 'how' is this connected.

Dennis Szerszen from Quintura, July 7, 2009 at 12:02 p.m.

I also think it was a really interesting piece. The article points out that we are sometimes motiveated to use search to find things less clear-cut than a recipe for guacamole or the web address of an online store.

Many searches start without our having a clear idea for what we search. Our purpose intent in using searching is not always for information, its for something less tangible.

These are the reasons that give alternative search engines (that seek to offer a more qualitative experience) a foot in the door along side the search giants.

Paula Lynn from Who Else Unlimited, July 7, 2009 at 12:28 p.m.

Sounds like that particular product management class needs an entry level class as a refresher on what employees do. If they cannot think to produce a better product/environment/etc. for their employees then maybe they have too much responsiblity and need to go back a few pegs.

Robert SanGeorge, July 7, 2009 at 12:38 p.m.

You mention the "Fear the Turtle" slogan with no attribution to the University of Maryland. It is the long-time slogan of the University of Maryland football team. Maryland's mascot is the Terrapin, which is a type of turtle. By failing to properly attribute "Fear the Turtle," you imply it is some kind of original idea -- it most definitely is not.

John Capone from Whalebone, July 7, 2009 at 3:08 p.m.

Good point Mr. SanGeorge. I think we should point out it's also the slogan of the basketball team (since they win more than the football team and hence other teams have more to fear from them) as well as all the other MD teams. In no way does this take away from Colbin's point. She says this came out of test-prep classes, so it only makes sense they'd swipe a university slogan.

Jacquelyn Krones from Microsoft, July 7, 2009 at 4:36 p.m.

Hi, I’m in the US market for bing and not seeing the same results as depicted the blog post. When I query “what would be a good team name” I got the same first result from google and bing, which includes the Fear the Turtle reference. “What is a sesame” on bing returns a very precise definition of the plant. Google and bing return very similar results for “What is a good search engine” and humbly, neither one returns their own brand.

What I think people have responded to in the blog post comments is the idea of having search engines substitute for, or at least catalyze, creativity. By having an unexpected home page picture that contains “hotspots” with interesting tidbits we have been experimenting with this. Even the default search for images on bing would give you thinks you do not expect to see, (your team would be called the Beefeaters today). Video, your team could be called Prey or Toxic Mascara. We look forward to the many creative uses people can put bing to and of course, welcome feedback to improve the service.

Jacquelyn Krones from Microsoft, July 7, 2009 at 4:40 p.m.

Hi, I’m in the US market for bing and not seeing the same results as depicted the blog post. When I query “what would be a good team name” I got the same first result from google and bing, which includes the Fear the Turtle reference. “What is a sesame” on bing returns a very precise definition of the plant. Finally, both google and bing return very similar results for “What is a good search engine” and humbly, neither one returns their own brand.

What I think people have responded to in the blog post comments is the idea of having search engines substitute for, or at least catalyze, creativity. By having an unexpected home page picture that contains “hotspots” with interesting tidbits we have been experimenting with this. Even the default search for images or video on bing would give you thinks you do not expect to see, (your team would be called the Beefeaters today if you clicked on the images link from the homepage and Prey or Toxic Mascara if you clicked on the video link). We look forward to the many creative uses people can put bing to and of course, welcome feedback to improve the service.

PJ Walker from TCS, July 7, 2009 at 6:09 p.m.

All UM fans - calm down and please re-read the article - the group that admitted that they were NOT creative (i.e., original), used Google to discover "a good team name" and the result was "Fear The Turtle" This is a compliment to the UM Terps that Google would return their team slogan as a good team name.

David Hawthorne from HCI LearningWorks, July 7, 2009 at 6:36 p.m.

I wouldn't normaly attack an entire string of respondents, but puh-leeaasse.... Kaila's point was apt and, in fact, well-made: People (whether "creative" or not) tend to defer to the most available reference when challenged. It's "why" children so often reference improbable "excuses" when asked to "search" for and an explanation for the spilt milk or the neglected homework. With so little experience, implausible explanations are more readily available. The folks here are exhibitying knee-jerk, "gotcha" responses. Most UM folks I know are smarter than that. This is non-reflective "Talk-radio-media-think." I thought we were looking for a way forward. According to the author, the phrase appeared in a search result and was chosen to represent the class-team for the purpose of the assignment. The context was anectdotal. Shhhheeeesh! Grow up!